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Paul: Are you sure you like boys?
Carla: Soft centers, hard centers. I like ALL the chocolates in the box.
-
Lila: So, you're working in a discount bookstore, huh?
Maggie: I am? Oh! "Ten Percent."
-
Tony: That's funny... Get out!
Kim: I am out.
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Maggie: You're not bi-sexual, Carla - you're omni-sexual! You're like that tornado in the Wizard of Oz, sweeping up everything in your path.
-
Mr. L.B. Marcus: The books have been classified as obscene and will not be allowed through the border. Now, if I can just get you to sign here.
Frances: Little Red Riding Hood is obscene?
Mr. Marcus: Well, we, we thought it was something else.
-
Safe sex advocate: I'm off Thursday on the "Love that latex" Safe sex tour. I'm giving safe sex demonstrations from Tuktoyaktuk to Yellowknife.
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Carla: Customs held up another order of books at the border. They're claiming the books are pornographic... hello? Which they aren't. Well, maybe "Butches in Chains" is, but so what?
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Judy: I'm Jeremy.
Lila: You're a man?
Judy: No, no, no, no, no, not really. Not ever. I was born into a man's body but I've always been a woman and well, after the final surgery...
Lila: I think I need a little drink.
-
Lila: I read a study and after the age of forty a woman's chances of having sex are diminished by eighty percent. SO, after fifty, God help you. And since I probably won't be having sex again, chocolate is the only pleasure left for me.
-
Carla: Ouch, it's the plight of the bisexual. Gay girls won't play with you.
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Lila: [asking about Maggie] What is going on with her these days?
Judy: You'd have to ask her that, Lila.
Lila: So, there is something going on?
Judy: Oh, well, she's nineteen. There's always something going on when you're nineteen.
-
Carla: Boys like toys too, you know.
Paul: This is for boys?
Carla: Um-hmmmmmm.
Paul: What is it?
Carla: A butt plug.
[Paul abruptly drops it]
Carla: It's okay honey, I bleach it.
-
Frances: Seriously, Mr. Marcus, the Supreme Court has declared that anal sex is to gay male sex what Mozart is to classical music.
Mr. Marcus: Miss Turner, we are not here to discuss classical music. I myself am a huge Mozart fan, but...
Frances: Look, the fucking Supreme Court has declared this natural. It is not obscene.
Mr. Marcus: In case you haven't noticed this is not the Supreme Court. We're here in Customs and I have a job to do.
Frances: We're just following orders, are we? Asshole.
Mr. Marcus: From your perspective, that must be a compliment of Mozartian proportions.
-
[Frances is about to attack the homophobic customs official; Bernice, a security guard, steps in]
Bernice: Do we have a problem in here?
Frances: Bernice? Oh my god, I haven't seen you since the women's music festival!
[Bernice hustles Frances and Maggie out the door]
-
Frances: Of course it's obscene! That's the point!
-
[Kim and Maggie have just stopped a woman from beating up Judy]
Kim: Say you're sorry!
Woman in Washroom: I'm sorry!
Judy: ..."I"m sorry, *ma"am*."
Woman in Washroom: I'm... sorry... ma'am.
Judy: Thank you.
-
[Maggie and Tony are washing the sidewalk in front of 10% Books]
Religious Zealot: Jesus loves you!
Maggie: Oh, thank you!
[to Tony]
Maggie: So, do you think we've gotten "Die, dyke, die" off the sidewalk?
-
Lila: Kim, dear, do you have a boyfriend?
Kim: [Politely] No, I don't.
Kim: [Meaningful look in Maggie's direction] Funny, that.
[Maggie starts to giggle]
-
Kim: That's not a kick... that's a one-two punch!
Tony: That'll put hair on your chest.
-
Maggie: What are you doing?
Kim: Better homes and dildos!
-
Tony: [to Maggie] Can you believe she's never been in my coffee shop? Tell her how great it is.
Kim: Come on, I just got here. I haven't been anywhere.
Tony: Come on! Tell her how great it is, fuck!
Maggie: It's great. Fuck.
Better Than Chocolate Quotes
Extended Reading
