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Suzie: Who'd you want to have an affair with, anyway?
Joel: Just some criminal drifter.
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Dean: [as Brad walks out of the bar] There he goes... Johnny Horsecock.
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Joel: What is it with women? Y'know, they say they don't care about looks - they just want a guy who's smart and funny - but they always just end up laughing at whatever the good-looking stupid guy says.
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Joel: If I don't get home before 8, she puts on the sweatpants.
Joel: And once the sweatpants are on, I get nothing.
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Dean: [looking at Cindy through the office window] Damn! She work here?
Joel: Yes, she's a temp.
Dean: She's a tramp?
Joel: "Temp!"
-
Joe Adler: I should fire all 3 of you. Cuz you laughed at me when I bought those bus stop bench ads. But this Step guy, he's the Holy Grail. See if both his balls had been knocked clean off, it'd be a good case, but not a great case. and with no balls, he's no man at all. The jury will never feel they can walk in the shoes of a ball-less neutered He-She freak. But Step! He's got one ball! Barely. But to a jury, he's still a man. And that man is hanging on by a thread. I'M TELLING YOU, THIS MAN IS A FUCKING POWERBALL. THIS GUY IS A... Oh hello. I'm Joe Adler.
-
Brad: Hey you weren't supposed to be here for another 4 hours... What happened to your face?
Joel: same thing...! Your face is going to look like my face if I ever... ! Actually, your face is going to look worse than mine if...
-
Joel: What if I tell her you did it all for money? How about that Ding-Ding?
-
Brian: Hey and I need to fire Hector. You know, cuz of What's-her-face's purse and Dinkus' wallet.
-
Dean: That's how we're gonna solve all our modern problems. Wisdom of the ancients.
-
Dean: You should try smoking a little pot.
Joel: That's a drug.
Dean: It's not a drug. It's a flower.
-
Dean: [aside to Joel as he comes into Joel's office, and is dumbfounded seeing Cindy for the first time] Oh, damn! Goodness.
Dean: [turning back to Cindy, warmly shaking her hands] Hi. Dean. Entrepreneur, spiritualist, healer.
-
Dean: You know, I'm starting to think this might have been a mistake.
Joel: Really?
Dean: Maybe it was my fault, you know?, maybe it was your fault.
Joel: No, it's yours.
Dean: A lot of blame to go around here. I think there are some people who just aren't meant to do drugs, *Joel*. I think you're one of those people, man.
-
Joel: I think that I just got distracted with Dean, and the drugs, and the gigolos.
-
Dean: You need to take some Xanax.
Joel: Xanax? Isn't that for anxiety?
Dean: It's good for all psychological problems in the DSM-IV. Xanax basically just makes you feel good. That's why it works for *everything*. I take it for the common head cold!
-
Rory: I don't want to work at Southwest Airlines. They make you do the limbo. I would be the laughingstock of the grindcore community.
-
[first lines]
Guitar Salesman #2: Yeah, it's expensive, but it's sweet. Yeah.
Guitar Salesman #1: Are you familiar with Gibson humbucking pickups at all, or...
Cindy: No, I'm sorry. I actually don't play. It's for my dad for his 50th birthday.
Guitar Salesman #1: That's, that's really sweet.
Cindy: Yeah, my sisters and I are all chipping in, so...
Guitar Salesman #2: Your dad will love these humbuckings. I mean, they really kick ass.
-
Dean: There are ways, ancient ways from Aztec times of getting your wife to cheat on you, if that is what you need.
Joel: Let's hear it.
Dean: You hire a gigolo to have an affair with your wife.
-
Joel: You had sex with my wife again?
Brad: Well, I figured we already did it once, so what's the big deal, right? Besides, I'm not going to charge you.
Joel: You're not going to charge... You *are* going to charge me and I am going to pay you, because you are not going to have sex with my wife for free, all right?
-
Suzie: I thought that was a surprisingly tasteful funeral.
Joel: Yes, it was. You know, when I was looking down on him, I thought, this might be the longest I've ever seen him with his mouth shut.
Suzie: Yeah...
-
Joel: Thanks for the drugs, Dean!
-
Joel: Step, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I just want you to think about this, you know? If you go beyond the settlement, you continue with the lawsuit, you could bankrupt that company. And people are going to lose their jobs, a lot of people are gonna be pissed off at you, so...
Step: No, I ain't worried about that. I can kick anybody's ass at that whole company.
Joel: Yeah...
Phil: Well, I'm gonna kick somebody's ass if you don't close that screen door!
-
[last lines]
Valet: [handing Joe a large key chain with several keys attached] Here you are, sir.
Joe Adler: [holding up the keys and seeing the heavy duty pickup truck associated to the keys having expected a sports car] What the fuck!
Extract Quotes
Extended Reading
