Raising Helen Quotes

Sarah Davis: [about the turtle] Can I name him Hippo?

Henry Davis: Why do you want to name everything Hippo?

Sarah Davis: Because I can spell it.

[Helen starts to read Jenny's letter from Lindsay]

Helen Harris: Dear Jenny, If you're reading this, you know that I'm gone. And I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids.

Lindsay Davis: [voiceover] And you're probably freaked about it. Yes, it's a surprising choice, considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known. If you find this letter odd, understand that my "always be prepared" Paul convinced me to write it now while our children are young. You must know from experience that when it comes to picking somebody else to raise your kids, no one seems right. No one is you. And so you choose someone who is most like you. Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom, the mom they lost and never really got to know. In so many ways, we are so much alike, that's why I chose Helen. Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids, yet she'll find a way to make up. I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes. On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks. Respect her Jenny. Give her a shot. We're family and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together. I know, Helen will certainly need some help learning how to be a mother to my kids, but I've got you for that. And who could be better? After all, you raised Helen, you'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes. I can still hear you telling her, "The bunny goes around the tree, and into the burrow...

Helen Harris: [watches Sarah tie her shoe] Pull tight.

Helen Harris: Audrey, sweetie, can you do me a favor and get me your wallet?

Audrey Davis: Why?

Helen Harris: Could you just do it, please?

[Audrey grabs her wallet]

Helen Harris: Open it up and give me your fake ID.

Audrey Davis: Why?

Helen Harris: Because I said so, that's why.

Audrey Davis: I'm not gonna give it to you. I'm not a child.

Helen Harris: Yes, you are. You are a child, Audrey. And you have a right to a childhood and you should fight for it. But if you wont, then I will. Now give me your ID.

[Audrey takes fake I.D. out of her wallet and throws it at Helen]

Helen Harris: That was very adult of you.

Audrey Davis: [shouts] You tricked me. I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her.

[points at Jenny]

Audrey Davis: [shouts] I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you.

Helen Harris: Well, I'm just gonna have to live with that.

Audrey Davis: What about lunch

Helen Harris: Eat it, its healthy

Audrey Davis: No, I mean we don't have any

Helen Harris: I'll take care of it

Helen Harris: Audrey other people have to use the bathroom.

Henry Davis: [sarcastically] Fire, fire.

Audrey Davis: [Jenny bursts into the motel room] Aunt Jenny? What are you doing here? How did you find me?

Jenny Portman: You have ten seconds to get your things together and get in the car.

Jenny Portman: [to BZ who has just come out of the bathroom] Stay! Ten...

Audrey Davis: You're not my mother, if you haven't noticed.

Jenny Portman: No. But I love you very much, and I will be your worst nightmare if you don't get in that car now. Seven, six...

BZ: But we're not ready to go yet.

Jenny Portman: Oh, you're not ready? Well... Well, are you ready for this?

[Jenny who is pregnant motions to her stomach]

Jenny Portman: I don't think so. Are you ready to be a parent? I don't think so.

Jenny Portman: [to Audrey] Four, three...

Audrey Davis: Are you happy? You just ruined my entire life.

Jenny Portman: Well, we'll fix it later. Two...

[back to BZ]

Jenny Portman: You.

BZ: Chill out, Mommy.

Jenny Portman: Hey.

BZ: It's all good.

Jenny Portman: [cutting in] Don't you talk to me like that.

BZ: It's just a prom.

Jenny Portman: [cutting in more] You listen to me. If you ever so much as blink in her direction again, I can and will bury you so far in the ground that the heat from the earth's core will incinerate your sorry ass. Do you understand me?

BZ: Yes, ma'am.

Jenny Portman: By the way, you're not a bad person. But this is very bad behavior. Very bad behavior.

Jenny Portman: [as she examines the new apartment] I bet this is lead paint. Guys. Guys, guys. Don't chew on the windowsills, all right?

Helen Harris: Yeah. Stick to the table legs like I taught you.

Sarah Davis: Hippo wants to be a Lutheran, too.

Helen Harris: Hippo is a Lutheran.

Pastor Dan Parker: [knocks on the door] Cable guy!

Helen Harris: [whispering] It's the Exorcist!

Sarah Davis: I want this bed!

Henry Davis: Look, for the tenth time, in the old house, I had this bed and you had that bed.

Sarah Davis: But I want THIS bed.

Henry Davis: That's it, Hippo goes out the window!

Sarah Davis: Followed by Irwin!

Helen Harris: See you at Vespers.

Pastor Dan Parker: Do you know what Vespers is?

Helen Harris: Some kind of scooter?

Pastor Dan Parker: Close enough.

Audrey Davis: What is the matter with you? Don't you remember what it's like to be young?

Helen Harris: Of course I do... it was last Wednesday!

Sarah Davis: Does my nose boogie look green?

Dominique: Yes, sort of Prada green, not their best collection. Put it away now.

Jenny Portman: [Being kicked by her unborn child] Ooh, ooh! Sweetie, what did mommy say about kicking while she's having a conversation? You need to wait until she's finished. Thank you very much.

Helen Harris: Did you just boss around the unborn?

Jenny Portman: It's never too early to learn good manners.

Helen Harris: Ok, problem. They're all hemophiliacs. Can't take blood. Shhh... they're sensitive!

Pastor Dan Parker: It's a joke.

Helen Harris: Why would I joke about hemophilia?

Helen Harris: It's like they've never seen a dress before!

Jenny Portman: No, they've just never seen a half of a dress.

Helen Harris: Pastor Dan just asked me out.

Audrey Davis: That is so weird.

Pastor Dan Parker: I can hear you. I'm still here. Go inside and do that.

Pastor Dan Parker: Let's talk about some things you could do at home.

Helen Harris: You wanna know what I've been doing at home? I've been doing the best I can. Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?

Pastor Dan Parker: Hey, Helen, you have any idea what it's done to theirs?

Helen Harris: Hey, Pastor Dan? Mr. Self-righteous? I'm hanging on by a thread here. I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income, my ability to fit into a size 2, and - this just in - my job. Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits and a few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass. So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens, about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.

[first lines]

Club Doorman: What we got here; 1,2,3,4 - 4 beautiful ladies. Come on. Cesar let them in. Nice. Not you, too random.

[last lines]

Henry Davis: It's about time, Sarah.

Helen Harris: ...Father.

Pastor Dan Parker: Pastor.

Helen Harris: ...Father Pastor.

Pastor Dan Parker: Pastor Parker.

Helen Harris: Sarah, you don't have to learn to tie your shoes right now. When you're ready to tie your shoes, you will.

Pastor Dan Parker: That's right. Shoe-tying is tough. Why do you think Jesus wore sandals?

Jenny Portman: Housekeeping.

BZ: We're already asleep. Could you come back in the morning, please?

Dominique: Sorry, Helen. It's not working.

Helen Harris: I understand. I'm sorry, Dominique. Thank you so much for everything. I'll collect my things.

Audrey Davis: [to her friends] Hey, everyone, this is my aunt Helen.

Boy: She don't look like no aunt I ever had.

[Audrey smokes a cigarette]

Helen Harris: [takes cigarette] What are you...? What is this? What is this?

Audrey Davis: I thought you wanted to meet my friends. This is BZ. He's a DJ. This is his mix.

BZ: Whassup, Mommy?

Lindsay Davis: Who's this? This is Jenny?

Jenny Portman: Yes.

Lindsay Davis: And I wonder what it is. It must be...

Lindsay Davis, Helen Harris: [in unison] Potpourri.

Jenny Portman: No. You're all wrong. It's not potpourri. It's a make-your-own potpourri kit.

Paul Davis: No, the birthday girl should not be doing the dishes.

Lindsay Davis: I agree.