If you are a single mother or a separated husband and wife, and a mother with children, what kind of troubles will you experience?
If you're not a mom, what's the biggest problem you can think of about being a mom?
What is the source of all this trouble? !
After watching the movie "Mummy", I completely lost my analytical ability, but my personal feelings continued for many days after watching the movie. Sometimes it was a series of questions, sometimes I fell into deep reflection, and sometimes I cried in pain. If it doesn't come out, the thinking triggered by "Mummy" is not only the relationship between mother and child, but also the balance in the multiple roles of modern women. A woman must go through three important life stages: daughter, wife, mother, involving the original Relationships, intimacy, parent-child relationships, and of course, workplace relationships of all kinds. The primary relationship at the first level basically determines our future relationship model and our level of narcissism. Thinking of the degenerate narcissism mentioned by the teacher in the class, modern object relations theory believes that the characteristic of degenerate narcissism is "taking the self as the object". ", in layman's terms, is "you and I do not distinguish, he and I do not distinguish."
In Kohut's view, it can be traced back to the infancy of childhood. According to the research of object relations theorist Mahler and others, this disorder is formed between the age of one and a half to three years old. Kohut believes that every individual has a tendency to be self-important and exaggerated in its infancy. For example, the baby will cry when it is not satisfied, and so on. In the baby's psychological world, he or she is the almighty God. . Happiness is obtained when this God is satisfied by the nurtured (self-object). If you are not satisfied, you will be angry because your omnipotence is frustrated and cannot be realized. In fact, this unsatisfied situation often happens accidentally in infant rearing, but if the parent treats the infant in this way for a long time, that is to say, the infant cannot obtain exaggerated autonarcissistic satisfaction for a long time. If it cannot be successfully paired with internal expectations, the baby will be disappointed with the external, and the brain will give up this normal cycle of nurturing and nurturing according to the actual situation. Such fantasies often prevent the self from understanding the reality of normal narcissism, and form their own unique and excessive narcissism beyond the acceptable range of ordinary people, so there will be similar exaggerated characters of the above narcissistic personality disorder. Performance.
At the same time, if the parent is often emotionally troubled, it will also reflect the rage of its own narcissism failure in the early stage, and in the interaction with the baby, it will be internalized into the baby's psychological information processing system, which will become the baby's future. Unconscious judgments of certain basic feelings in interpersonal relationships. So in British object relations scientist Winnicott's famous video experiment, a happy baby's face became as depressed as the mother's after spending more than an hour with a depressive mother. This is the famous point Kohut refers to: the internalization of transformation. In the long run, it will have a direct impact on the interpersonal emotional ability of the infant as an adult. This is the basis for the internal expectations that affect the infant's future development. (Relevant information is quoted here)
If a mother has such an obstacle, what kind of intimate relationship will she establish?
Although the film does not provide enough evidence, based on a small amount of information in the film, Steve's father is an inventor, and he made some money by inventing the light wave furnace at first, but later some reasons led to high debts, and even after his death, the mother and son both The house had to be sold. After the death of the father, there were two eldest children, or could this family actually be three eldest children?
Parents are perceptive and casual, so how should children learn the rules of life? If parents are too close and don't pay attention to the boundaries in front of the child, will the child also imitate and fail to restrain his own behavior? If the parental relationship is too entangled, will the child think that he is only a third party in the family, not a family member? In an intimate relationship, we may all love ourselves, or we may try to transform each other to gain a sense of accomplishment and form a symbiotic relationship. I discussed it with my friends today, and they said that the more we go, the more we discover that it is actually the same as whoever gets married! Thinking about it is right or wrong. A self-awareness with high self-awareness will have a high degree of recognition, so it can make appropriate choices, and can continue to learn how to manage and get along, and it will also have the ability to take responsibility for its own choices. , a person with a very low degree of recognition is also doomed to his choice. It is the same as whoever gets married, unless you win the lottery and meet someone who can lead you. However, are you more willing to hand your fate to luck? Or leave it to yourself? I now think that a good intimate relationship will inspire men to be more masculine, and women to be more feminine. At least be a better version of yourself, and then learn to cooperate and respect each other, which is already a blessing.
At this time, I want to introduce the passage about marriage in Gibran's poem "The Prophet":
You were born together, and you will always be one.
When the dead white wings separate your years, they too will be one.
Alas, even in silent remembrance of God, you shall be one.
But in your oneness, there will be gaps.
Let the wind dance among you.
Love each other, but do not make love tethers:
only let him be a flowing sea in the middle of the sandy shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cups, but do not sip from the same cup.
Give each other bread, but do not eat from the same piece.
They dance and sing happily in one place, but still leave each other alone,
even the strings on the violin are alone, though they vibrate in the same tone.
Give your hearts to one another, but do not keep them from one another.
For only the hand of life can hold your heart.
Stand in one place, but not too close together:
for the pillars of the temple are divided on either side, and the
oaks and cypresses do not grow in each other's shade.
It is an objective fact that there is an element of narcissism in all normal loving relationships. There are some degree issues here. The difference between a normal person’s love relationship and a narcissistic person’s love relationship is that although normal people project their ideals onto the other person when they are in love, they can realize that the other person is an independent individual with different desires and need. Normal people know the difference between themselves and others while projecting.
The mother-son relationship in the movie is full of violence from the beginning. I have to say that the mother is open, sexy, feminine, and tender most of the time. The son is also full of these qualities, but the repeated scenes in the film But it is the love and killing of the two. Once the emotional fuse is ignited, the foul language, out of control, hurting each other, two insecure children hide in the dark space, they seem to use this extreme way to prove them. In the film, Carla's appearance is a turning point in the mother-son relationship. Carla takes time off to recuperate at home because of the language barrier. Her appearance breaks the closed structure of the mother and son. Carla brings another kind of order to the family after the chaos. Personally, I think Carla is like Diane's second personality. When Carla took Steve to cook, clean the room, and study, Diane was also motivated and infected. They became sincerely happy, and Diane also brought Drinking and chatting loudly with Carla, she gained a certain degree of release from her repressed emotions. Diane was looking for a job like housekeeping. Here, I see her sense of reality, do what she can do and feel happy, while Carla and Shi are happy. Tiff is also planning to go to an art school in the United States. The happy picture of three people riding a bicycle in their spare time always stays in my mind. If mutual abuse and addiction is a pattern, then happiness may be the solution to this pattern. Drugs, mutual abuse addiction can be destructive and stimulate people's subconscious death instinct, then real happiness is creative, and it stimulates people's subconscious life instinct, life and death, hope and despair, persistence and abandonment, sometimes that is the case There is a thin line, aren't most of us fighting and struggling between the two?
The second turning point of the film appeared. Diane received a letter from the previous incident in which Steve lost control of his emotions and set fire to others, causing extensive burns to others. I think Diane's handling of this incident was always dreamy, not real. In the face of it, their only hope seems to be a lawyer who has a good impression of Diane. During the three of them's appointment, Steve lost control and beat people in the bar and failed to seek help. Diane screamed at Steve in the garage. Shouting about all kinds of past experiences, Steve chose to commit suicide, he felt that his mother didn't love him anymore, and Diane told him, I will love you more and more, and you will love me less and less! Think of this sentence: the relationship between mother and child should be long and full, but the degree of participation in the child's life must decrease. Strong maternal love is not a permanent possession of the child, but a decent exit.
There is a scene in the film that may be unimaginable for the audience. Diane sent him to a mental hospital in the name of taking Steve and Kara on a tour. On the way, Diane imagined the scene: Steve was admitted to college, graduated and met To the beautiful girl, watching them get married... This scene is the peak of a mother's growth, a decent exit, returning to reality and accepting the fact that the child needs to be treated, and also holding hope, despair and hope. At this time, the pair of Dai Anxin It is no longer so contradictory and conflicting in the film, choosing to grow up or to stay in the dream, Diane made a mother's choice and commitment, just like the end of the film when she was looking up materials and studying, and also like her and Kara's. In a word, this is enough to prove her growth.
Philosopher Fromm is one of the thinkers who has best analyzed the relationship between mother and child. He believes that: "The true essence of maternal love is to care for the growth of the child, that is, to wish the child to be separated from himself. This reflects the fundamental nature of maternal love and sexuality. Difference. In sex, two people who were originally separated become one; in maternal love, two people who were originally one separate into two. The mother must tolerate separation, and must hope and support the child to be separated from her.
The core of the film is its It is better to say that it is the relationship between mother and child, it is better to say that it is the history of the growth and evolution of a mother. After the layers of fantasy bubbles are destroyed, the mother will finally usher in the era of her practice, because she is the root of all relationships!
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