But in the end, what really drove me to write this, which wasn't a review, was what Wallace said to Lipsky at the end of the movie, and Lipsky's if i could, i'd say to david that living those days with him at the end. reminded me what life is like instead of being a relief from it. and i'd tell him it made me feel much less alone.
Does life really get to that point? Will you get to the point where plunging into your own death is easier than any other solution?
Will do.
I still remember the daily life of waking up at two or three o'clock in the morning, and then I couldn't move and looked at the dawn outside the window, listening to the desperate cry of every cell, but had to get up to wash and go to class. The dishes are placed on the table with bright colors, but it is just there, and even picking up the chopsticks next to them seems to be a difficult task. Walking on the road, I can't realize where I am, like a walking skeleton, and I can even hear the sound of the wind passing through the bones. The night did not come in time. It was like having a serious illness and finally seeing the dawn of recovery, but suddenly there was no hope for treatment. Pain is happiness when there are still tears. What followed was the pain of not being able to sleep and the horror of finally falling asleep but not being able to escape the nightmare. Then again and again, you start your day in darkness.
Lonely. Movies and books and many other things can provide a temporary escape from loneliness. Yet it is always there. When you chat and laugh with people, when you sit at home alone, when you drink and have fun, when you bury your head in your studies. It will not leave, it may be the most consistent partner in your life.
People don't change. At least I don't think people change completely. At least in terms of behavior patterns and ways of thinking, after people can form their own complete system, it is very difficult to change.
This also means, or implies, that once you step into this barren land filled with despair, even if you go out, you are always more likely than others to come back.
Drugs don't help you fight this emotion, neither does alcohol, and tobacco, to a lesser extent. Reading books and movies can give you a brief escape but cannot soothe your withered soul. Life could be beautiful if I hadn't experienced this.
The follow-up to depression is actually a struggle against the initial depression. You have to resist its invasion, those subtle, gentle invasions like spring breeze and rain, you have to recognize it, and then fight it. If you have been tortured by it for three months, it will take you three or even thirty years to resist. But this is not a war, you can't use the art of war, all your chips are yourself, and your bet is also yourself.
You have to get over it when you suddenly realize it is coming. It could come while you're on the dance floor or while you're stretching out in the bath. But it always comes, like loneliness. It never left either.
If you've experienced depression, realize that there is nothing in this world. Philosophical arguments aside, being aware of this in itself means that you no longer see the meaning of life. Every movement, walking, eating, drinking, picking up a cup, raising a flag, smiling, talking loses its meaning. You can only live with your loneliness, but you cannot live in peace with it.
Make peace with your loneliness. It's hard. It's not the kind of difficulty that puts yourself in a particular yoga pose, it's the kind of loneliness you try to numb yourself to ignore, but in the end you have to admit, you need it. You need this loneliness, even though it's taking you step by step in a direction you're trying to get out of.
The heavy curtains in the study might not have rejected the beautiful scenery. That curtain may also just accept that, lonely, and deeply lonely self.
Why do people feel less lonely after accepting what life is about? It may just be an acknowledgment of the emptiness of life and acceptance of that fact, thereby counteracting the anxiety of previous resistance to that fact. What life itself is like or what, the loneliness is still there. It's like you accept a birthmark on your face, so what else can you do.
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