if only.

Zella 2022-01-12 08:02:22

if. if.

Too many times we do not have if.
Once I asked myself again and again, if, if. But what can be done.

When I was having a barbecue with Xi at a roadside stall that day, I talked about my senior who had unrequited love in high school.
Low-key, sullen, restrained, clean, silent, looks better than smiling.
After thinking about it for a long time, I still said the same words as before.

Although it has been a long time since.

Until now, I don't want to contact S because I hate him. S was the only hope and only savior in my heart when I was empty and even a little overwhelmed in high school. But he did not choose me, he chose silence.

When we met, we had an amazing tacit understanding and fate, and I unconsciously indulged in him under his proper care. But it's considerate, but it makes people warm everywhere, sending charcoal in the snow. At that time, I knew that he had a girl he liked, and even often joked that he should act quickly, so as not to have many nights and dreams, and a good girl would make others in vain.

I didn't say that I actually realized that I couldn't live without him a long time ago. I don't dare. Being naive, I only know that since my favorite senior has someone I like, I shouldn't ruin it, I should leave.

Now think about it, if only.

Many times, after many years, I still want to ask S, if I said at the time, if he stayed, would he really stay, just for me. If I asked at that time, would everything be different.

But I did not say that I chose other people to forget S, trying to treat him only as a very good and very important senior. I thought I did it. In fact, I did.
The premise is if I don't separate from my boyfriend again. I might walk with the only boy I loved deeply in high school until now, and then lightly cherish S as a girlish sentiment from when I was young.

After that, I never got into S's heart again. He closed himself up.
I once went to him during a class break, but saw him standing by the window, looking out the window in a daze, so I didn't disturb him and walked away quietly.

I kept thinking about those scenes, and I was speechless for a few moments.

Yes, I hate him too much. I hate him for not being willing to face me seriously for so many years, and for not giving me another chance but not rejecting me. I hate him for so much pain. Let me leave and go to other people's side.

As long as he tells me, as long as he expresses something, everything may be very different.

But I don’t have the predictive ability in my dreams. The naive me back then couldn’t understand his heartache and nostalgia. When I thought I was trying to save him, I didn’t expect to push him farther and farther. .
For so many years in a flash.

Later, I took the initiative to disconnect, and when I learned that he had a girlfriend again, I even quietly made comparisons. Is she cute as me, eccentric and weird? Is it okay to have me in figure?
But all of this is useless. The one who accompanies him, no matter how similar, is not me.

Better not to. It's better not to see.
Since we don’t have that if only. I am no longer qualified to say those three words.

S, do you remember, you told me with a smile before, how could it be impossible, it is still possible.
Then soon, you have a new girlfriend.

S, goodbye. I couldn't bear to cry for you again, so I had to sing and think of your smiling face.

Bye now.

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Extended Reading
  • Marcelina 2022-03-26 09:01:11

    I find it quite boring.

  • Opal 2022-03-27 09:01:15

    I wanted to watch it again, but I thought I didn't have the courage, maybe because the people who used to be around have left, and I didn't dare to touch the bomb that was buried deep in me.

If Only quotes

  • Ian Wyndham: I guess what I'm trying to say is... I want to soldier on. I really do. Okay?

    Samantha Andrews: No.

    Ian Wyndham: No what?

    Samantha Andrews: I don't... want to soldier on.

    Samantha Andrews: Ian, if I were to stay in London now, it would be for you. For us. And I would do that in a heartbeat if I knew we were really special.

    Ian Wyndham: We are.

    Samantha Andrews: Really? You never tell me how you feel or talk about yourself. You don't want to meet my family. You forgot my graduation. We run into my favorite student and you act as if he has something contagious.

    Samantha Andrews: Ian, I know you have the best intentions, but I feel like I'm a really high second priority to you. That hurts. And the worst part is I'm starting to get used to it.

    Ian Wyndham: I don't understand.

    Samantha Andrews: I know. That's what kills me.

    Samantha Andrews: If there had just been one day Ian, one day where nothing else matters but us.

    Ian Wyndham: I adore you.

    Samantha Andrews: I don't want to be adored, I want to be loved.

    Samantha Andrews: I can't do this anymore.

  • Samantha Andrews: Feed me or face the consequences.