A cold-blooded feast of meat and rot

Delmer 2022-03-02 08:01:38

As a Ugly Old One who went into the pit on National Day the year Itch was launched, I was very happy to hear that Itch's IP was going to be developed into a movie. Until one day I found out that there were two versions of the original film Onmyoji, a book adaptation and a game adaptation, and there was a vague ominous feeling in my heart. Although there is a prejudice against Guo Moumou's works because of the small era series, but there is the idea of ​​​​to keep up with the trend, and watching the trailer, I think the special effects scene is not bad, so I made up my mind and set it on this boring Thursday night. got movie tickets.

It's really cold this day, I covered my mask and my nose was red from the cold wind. After waiting for a long time, I finally sat in the warm chair of the theater.

As a result, I watched a few previews of the patch, and suddenly a picture of ice and snow popped up. The person suspected of wearing Japanese clothes complained that there was no need to learn the "Guardian Spell". I was trained by various directors' rough ambush. There will definitely be a corresponding episode later, and he is also very speechless, "Seimei, you can't even let go of the words and spirits? Except for the 'star' and 'annihilation', your onmyoji is useless."

Before the slot was over, Zhao Youting's waist face replaced the stiff expression of the little boy, and he was cute with his master. Hey, why is the male protagonist so ugly, his eyebrows are flying up, and Nomura Wanzhai's kind of coquettish feeling Totally different.

Yes, although I haven't read the original novel of Dream Pillow Tapir, but as a senior rat, I have read the Japanese version of Onmyoji, and I also complained at first glance that Mrs. Mansai Nomura is too ugly, but those cute The small gestures and the smile with curved eyebrows and eyes made me fall in love with "Abe Seimei, the son of the white fox" immediately. And this Mr. Zhao, with your bulging face and sturdy body, no matter how you look at it, you are not a half-demon fox. At most, you are a little fat chirp, and you are clumsy no matter how you look at it.

But the plot took a twist. I thought that the master and apprentice did not bake their hands in front of the warm stove, but ran into the ice and snow to exercise willpower. Until a "miserable snake" who was suspected to be the incomplete version of the eight-headed snake appeared. As a tool villain, of course, he has no lines or emotional expression, and can only bluff with grinning and grinning like the dumb-headed, fox-fake tiger-like snake in Soul Ten and Soul Soil. Then our great master came in.

"It's up to you, Snow Tengu!"

Hey, what's wrong, although Datengu and Snow Maiden are both Hei Qingming's shikigami, where did "Snow Tengu" come from?

Shaking the puzzled little brain, he told himself that this was an adaptation of the work of Dream Pillow Tapir, not The Scratching Mouse.

Then there is the "mad painter" with the same shape as the judge, and the "golden bell" who looks like the snow boy. They are operating violently, playing games such as "Blizzard", "Krypton Gold Edition Yan Ling Shou", "Snow Rabbit" "Eh, no, after the "Shikijin Contract Ball", it was immediately cleaned up by the "Wuqi Misfortune Snake".

At this time, a bunch of Kyoto Onmyoji peeped at some corner for a long time. Knowing that their role had arrived, they drew a portal that they learned from Doctor Who and ran out.

"We are the Onmyoji who guard Ping An Jing!"

Skill copy and paste biubiubiu~

Here comes the question:

"Who blocked his life and temporarily sealed the Yachi Orochi guarding Heianjing"

I slammed my cute little head and warned myself again, this is a book change, not a game change.

And as we all know, no matter how many onmyoji in Ping An Jing can only be cannon fodder for passers-by, a bunch of white coat onmyoji sacrificed "words and spirits" were broken in minutes by the "no-brained evil snake" pia, our little fat chirp... No, Lao Qingming didn't learn how to keep his words, so what should he do?

Of course, our tool master came out to block the knife for him~

Woohoo, the liger is going to die, I'm so sad. Bulging his mouth and eyes with tears in his eyes, he squinted and hugged the liger.

! Hey, isn't he aiming at Ye Hua, the drama version of Little Crying Bag? It's you, little fat chirp~

No, Uncle Zhao.

Then you thought that the woeful snake ran away. Our uncle Zhao, the pig's horn, was determined to practice good words and spirit, and he had to conquer his shallowness when he traveled all over the world... Is it a woeful snake?

That's a big mistake. Although Uncle Zhao still has the acting skills of the little crying bag and the dialogue in Taiwanese accent, there is no Qingqiu Qianqian here, only the basic friend arranged by Director Guo for him.

According to international practice, Shi Huhu had several big holes pierced in his waist, and he was about to say his sensational last words with a steady breath.

"I loved someone, he said he loved me, I believed..."

Stop! Not the painted skin crew, the next one. (It's really only after finding a white-faced supporting role who has the same voice as Zhou Xun, he will join the show.)

"Love without pain is not true love..."

Stop again, it's not the painting crew.

Forget it, I really can't remember what he said, I just know love and love, that's all I remembered before Master died.

Also, "Apprentice, take my beloved knife and go to the Eastern Land Tang Dynasty to find your basic friend."

Master suddenly.

Before his death, Jin Lingzi blew himself up and killed the evil snake ghost. He also called out to Shi Huhu affectionately, "Haha hello~~"

Hahaha, I laughed, sorry.

Then our little fat jiu came to a "Heavenly Capital" similar to the Qinhuai River mixed with Chang'an City in a small boat wearing a heavy Japanese kimono stitched with curtains. Please remember this scene, next, you will never see so many group performances again.

Yes, I still believe that Director Guo has invested a lot of money to convince Taoism, create scenes, and create characters.

However, this outside Chang'an city and the Qinhuai River exhausted all the funds of the crew. Next, you can only see a Tiandu brand shabby palace with a mix of enclosures, stilted buildings, Japanese-style courtyards, and Tang Dynasty wooden buildings. More than half of the scenes in this game will be completed here.

You ask why you slander other people's shabby royal family.

Because there are not many people in the palace at all, except for the Han Dynasty eunuchs and Tang Dynasty palace maids who had a glimpse of the background in the early stage, there are only a few protagonists living in the big house at the back. It was cold, and no guards came out to rescue him.

Little Fatty moved into the palace, and met Yamita Taki Yashahime...A Taki.

Flirting and flirting with the good friends designated by the director.

Crane Shouyue, who played two roles by one person, cherishes each other with Liger Tiger, who was laid off and re-employed.

In the end, there came a princess with a white face and fake gold jewelry wholesaled by Yiwu weighing two pounds on her head (by the way, the jewelry in this play is very cheap in texture, and looks like plastic to the naked eye, such as the front eight The silver ornament on Baipi Takiyashahime's head).

Then it's catching monsters, conspiracies, fights, special effects. Anyway, you have to look tall and high, and it's a matter of ingenuity.

However, why are the two protagonists so ugly!

Also put on heavy makeup! !

For the next hour and a half, I was immersed in the pain of having to endure the details of ugly faces on the big screen.

It's rude to judge someone's appearance though. But I still have to let my heart cry out:

"Watching ugly faces on the big screen is torture!!!!"

The next story is not spoiler, because there is nothing interesting, it is nothing more than 800 Takiyasha Hime is actually not 800, the princess is 800, and everything is her voice moo (intentionally typo)! ! ! !

Then it's love-hate infatuation, miserable, I want to "go against the sky"! All kinds of cheap special effects are flying around, and the three shikigami "Xue Tiangou, Kuang Hua Shi, and the newly-received younger brother Killing Stone" who are laid off and re-employed act as cannon fodder and get beaten up.

I deeply suspect that Director Guo had other plans for this film. He chose two ugly male protagonists, and then made his own artist Wang Mou and several cannon fodder shikigami all kinds of cool, revealing chests. The exposed pectoralis major of the major muscles and the concave biceps of the concave biceps are like the director screaming on the side. So handsome, so strong! ! Come on ladies!

Equally bad is the relationship between Uncle Zhao and Deng Darkhei Datengu. God, I have been watching bl for ten years. I really can't stop this kind of cp candy that is shoved into my mouth. What is the style of industrial saccharin? At times, I have scraped Jinjiang, scraped delay reform, scraped all kinds of rotten dramas.

What is really good is the inadvertent fit and comprehension of intentions, not "what kind of decency"!

The climax of the decisive battle and the tragic finale in the back are basically the heart of Director Guo. Wang Banlu's special MV, just standing on the head of the big snake, showing his muscles and posing, gave four or five separate shots. The screenwriter did his best to create this half-naked man. Muscular guy is affectionate, yet his acting is so stiff that I just want to laugh. Only a few of Wang Ziwen's scenes touched me.

Yes, you read that right, the biggest acting responsibility in this movie is actually Wang Ziwen! !

God knows how much I dislike her interpretation when I watch Ode to Joy. Unexpectedly, they were all set off by their peers. Uncle Zhao of Xiaokubao, Dongchang celebrity Deng Darkhei Datiangu, and semi-permanent topless Wang Qingsheng were all like acting in idol dramas, but they didn't look like idol dramas at all.

I howled again: "Watching ugly people on the big screen is torture!!"

Moreover, Director Guo, make-up really shouldn't be so heavy, that eyeshadow, that ruler, and the powder with uneven skin tone are all ugly!

In this way, under the background of the ugly protagonist duo, Guo-style little fresh meat became extra handsome and affectionate (don't tell me Director Guo, you deliberately used the protagonist as a foil to support your own artist).

In the last 40 minutes, I was literally "skinning and itching", and I kept looking at my phone. Why wasn't it over yet?

This special effect is so fake, is it necessary to make such a long fight? This muscle is still beautiful when it is exposed, and it will become a pork stall if it is exposed all the time. Even if it is exposed, Deng Changgong also sacrificed himself in blood, in exchange for a chance to transform into a dark day dog ​​to show his muscles, two naked men Just like that, you punch, and I roll over the snake with one punch.

Alas, Uncle Zhao is crying like a small crying bag, Deng Darkhei Datiangu, you can take it easy.

Finally, after the sensational performance of dying and living, living and dying, and dying together, we ushered in the finale.

Although how do I look at this ending, it looks like the "Schrödinger's Zhang Ziyi in the Snow" who was spoofed up to now.

But let's play this drama, don't you think that the goal is to be full of love, let's send a bamboo flute to each other, the world will be separated forever, I will be your shikigami in this life, and you will be my confidant in the next life.

boom!

"The portal opens, and Dongying and Chang'an will be directly connected in five minutes."

Then you match the lyrics, what do you miss in this life, what do you do when you meet again in the next life, just cross over every day to make a base. Anyway, I don't like watching industrial hard candy, so you sell it to the little rotten girls who eat this set.

Alright, I'm done vomiting, it was the first time I typed so fast, and I prayed not to be seen by Director Guo. After all, being a keyboard warrior is cool, and no one hurts when I'm behind bars.

Going to bed, I hope not to dream of crying little fat chirps and heavy makeup muscle men, good night.

View more about The Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity reviews

Extended Reading
  • Hubert 2022-03-27 09:01:21

    The story is thin and the aesthetics are good. There are so many characters coming and going, and it feels like playing table mahjong is all three missing one. I believe more and more that Guo Jingming is said to be a power top, undressing if he disagrees...

  • Retha 2022-03-26 09:01:13

    The rhythm is slow, the speech is slow, the action is slow, and the 10-minute story is dragged into 130 minutes. The special effects are really mediocre, and there are only a few scenes where the snakes roar the city and the people flee. Most of them are the protagonist and the villain fighting hand-to-hand in front of the green screen, turning the fantasy film into an action film, and there are absolutely no monsters destroying the world. , The feeling of countless casualties. Hand-to-hand combat is hand-to-hand combat, and you take off your clothes and fight hand-to-hand. The original is a fantasy masterpiece, and you made it into a fanfiction. The plot is not enough, selling rot to make up, trying to use rot and CP to make money. The only advantage is art, but it is not the credit of Guo Jingming, but the credit of Tu Nan. Why is Guo Jingming still a director after making so many bad films? In the final analysis, it is the result of the choice of the audience. The filmmakers knew that Guo Jingming's films were all bad films, but they also knew that the films he made were watched and made money, so they asked him to make films again and again. It is precisely because so many people went to see his movies that he was given a bite to eat, and he was able to make one after another to feed us. If everyone didn't watch his films, he would have no box office appeal, and naturally he wouldn't be able to be a director.