The more control the mother is, the more anxious the child
is. Now there are too many anxious (controlling) parents. They accompany students, study, practice, and escort, with 24 hours of endless teaching, which can be said to be tireless. Tang Seng also pays attention to the time and occasion when he recites a mantra. This day-to-day chanting is like chanting sutras. If we think about it a little bit, we must not be able to stand this kind of aggressive manipulation. From the point of view of psychological factors, most of the mothers who have to do everything themselves are grown up by being abused like that when they were young, so they have to do this subconsciously to be worthy of their suffering.
An overly anxious mother actually lacks a sense of inner security. She projects her anxiety and panic on the child, and feels that the child is not right or not. However, her panic-stricken expectations did not make the child successful, because while she was expecting, she would see the child's incompetence and inadequacy because of this anxiety and panic. Her words, actions, and demeanor expressed 360 degrees. Her resentment and disappointment that she hates iron and steel, and this disappointment conveys a belief to the child: I am worried that you will not be able to handle it. In the midst of this enormous amount of terrifying pressure and the mother's distasteful eyes, the consequence is often that the child shrinks in the face of the pressure, so as to confirm the mother's point of view: I am an incompetent child!
It is said that when the baby is full of wings, the mother eagle will push the eagle directly off the cliff and let it fly by itself. Letting go in the animal kingdom is often simple and straightforward. Human beings (especially anxious mothers) complicate things. In the mother's overprotection of "don't dare to let go", they continue to transmit anxiety and pressure to their children. In this anxiety and pressure, children also Absorb the belief that the world's resources are scarce, this is a society full of fierce competition everywhere, and everyone is fighting to the death. This anxiety of not being able to survive without starting or succeeding has become the biggest obstacle to children's independent growth.
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Winnicott, a psychologist who has profound insights into the relationship between mother and child, put forward the concept of "good enough mother": it can be said to be the best prompt and comfort for anxious mothers. Winnicott says you don't need to be a 100-point perfect mother, you just need to be a 60-point mother. So moms who are doing too much out of anxiety need to let go and reassure appropriately.
The big sandpiper in "piper" perfectly conveys the spirit of "good enough mother": he "let go" to the little sandpiper twice, and each time is more cruel and cold. The first time I tried to let the little snipe find food on its own, the big snipe would pick up a piece of clam meat in the distance to tempt the little snipe to go out. The second time I faced a bird who was afraid of withdrawing and refused to go out no matter what it was persuaded. When the baby was born, the mother bird no longer persuaded, but flapped its wings and flew away.
What does
letting go of a child mean? Letting go means allowing the other person to be themselves. Recognizing that the child is not one with himself, that he has his own trajectory of life, allows him to face life in his own way.
Letting go means respecting the individuality of the other person.
Letting go means separation, the child does not belong to you, does not belong to you, you have no right to kidnap his will and his life in the name of love.
Letting go also means that you can distinguish that anxiety and panic are your own things. You need to bear and be responsible for your feelings, and you can't use these feelings to ask him. You have no right to ask him how to live, that is to say, how to face the world and how to choose the way of life is entirely his freedom.
Letting go means the separation of you and him. You clearly know that you are you and he is him. These are two completely different beings. Of course, you can use your love to accompany and warm him when he needs your help, not every moment of the day.
Letting go means that you don't take care of his life. Even if he may fail or setback, it is also an attempt of his life. There is nothing to fear. Don't touch it." In life, what matters is not teaching, but experience. No one grows through teaching, but grows through constant rolling and crawling.
Letting go means you can hold on to your emotions without letting them affect your child. Don't think about being a perfect mother, that's the perverted satisfaction of your own narcissism. Don't keep saying "I'm doing it for your own good..." You're just trying to control a life struggling to be yourself under the guise of love. Because of the lack and impoverishment within you, you become super-controlling, and being in control of a life just makes you feel more secure. Too much love will only make the child lose a lot of life experience, the child will lose the space for growth, and the individual growth will be restrained...
For anxious mothers: Relaxation exercises at the moment
When you start to worry about anxious children again, you only need to do one thing The Thing: Stop and turn the focus back to yourself. Specifically, we can do it in three steps: the
first step, stop and take a deep breath.
The second step is to feel your emotions and express them to yourself. For example, "I'm anxious" can be repeated to myself many times. At the same time continue to slow down your breathing and relax yourself.
The third step is to take responsibility for yourself. Make it clear to yourself that these are my emotions, that I take responsibility for my emotions, and that I take responsibility for my emotions.
In this way, you are no longer bound by your emotions. At this time, when you look at your child again, you will find that there is already some space and distance between you and him. Because of this space and distance, you can see Know the real state of the child, the needs of the child, and thus feel that the child, he is another life entity independent of you.
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