Suddenly want to write about my best friend M. . . . . I never wanted to write it, but after writing it, I still felt hypocritical and felt sorry for her suffering. Although it is very hypocritical, I still keep it. "I've Started Missing You" 1. On November last year, my best friend M sent me a WeChat message after a long absence, saying that it's been a long time since I hadn't seen you, reminiscing about the past, and chatting about the current situation. I remembered that I hadn't been in touch with M for a long time. The last time I met and had a conversation was two or three years ago. I was too busy with my life and work. I was busy with the immediate affairs like fighting a war, dealing with life, not to mention poetry and distance. , not even old friends. I climbed down to comfort M, and said sincerely and guiltily, I must have found time to see you recently, why don't I do it this weekend, or next weekend, or I can find another time. So, this time was delayed again and again, until the Spring Festival. Usually, in this situation, my friends would angrily scold me for being a scumbag and for being unbelievable. However, M still said gently and graciously: You are busy with you, you Come over anytime, I'll be waiting for you. 2. Speaking of M, I'm going to go a little further. Don't you often see that kind of sad chicken soup question on Weibo, why do friends get separated while walking? Because the life they are facing is different, the life stage to be solved is different, and the rate of separation of housewives and single dog friends is higher because of boredom. So in theory, M and I should be good friends who have stepped into this kind of mediocre separation. M and I are classmates in middle school. Our standard personalities are very different, but I don't know that they are mixed in with Mao. She is a good girl who is absolutely gentle, virtuous, reliable, polite, humble and diligent, and has all the traditional Chinese virtues. Relatively speaking, I don't want to be black. Myself, compared to her, I am more lazy and informal, I am eccentric and moody, like a big man. I often see that movies and novels always have girlfriends with different personalities. After thinking about it, maybe we are not that different. Maybe it's just because two people get along, they can always stimulate the extreme parts of each other. We all grew up with the standard imprint of the post-80s generation in Beijing. We rode bicycles to school against the wind and the morning light. We were dumbfounded in math class. We slept in politics class. Copy exam questions. At that time, the Internet was not yet developed, and there was not much entertainment, but life was not completely occupied by exams and studies. On weekends, I would go shopping and skating, read martial arts novels and listen to music, take notes on reading books, and buy folk singers and music together. The cassettes of rock punks, M likes Pu Shu and Xu Wei, and also likes to listen to some music stations, and has no resistance to the deep literary talent of chicken soup. Later, I didn't know that I grew up more and more manly because of Mao. When I remembered what I did in middle school, I always felt a little ashamed to say it. It felt like some cute "girls" past events: for example, we actually wrote a diary together For example, under her drive, she also wrote lyrics. When I think about it, I can't help but want to hide my face. 3. M went through the college entrance examination with me. I studied art. She took the English department in a regular manner, but she was assigned to study Russian after missing a few points. At first, she was a little uninterested in the result. It was not the major she wanted to study at first, but soon, she wrote in our common diary: I started to like Russian when I learned it... And then, I often heard her say: I go to the library to memorize Russian, what level did I take the Russian test, what Russian translation did I do. She has always been a person who knows how to go with the flow and is willing to live with the situation. She is diligent and safe, and she is busy paying. Oh, but at the same time, I seem to be wasting my time. In fact, I am quite reliable (hehe), but in M's opinion, I am especially an unreliable artist. In front of her, I seem to be satisfied with this role. This does not affect our friendship. Most of the friendships of girls when they are young are based on "going to Xidan to buy bags on weekends", "talking about gossip in school", "which boy do you like", "go to a concert". Classes are pretty boring things. I still remember that in the year of SARS, we each stayed at home for a month or two. When the lockdown was lifted in June, we rushed out for a party and ate a delicious meal of Maixiangyu at McDonald’s in Wangfujing, Dongdan. The streets and buses were empty. , We feel that we are very brave, and we witnessed history together inadvertently, although we forgot it in a flash. People are pushed forward by life, and they always go much faster than we think. Later, we were pushed by life to find a job, and we swore to live together on the road in winter after working overtime. We were pushed by life to fall in love. I always broke up, but I didn’t seem to know how to be sad. She met her boyfriend, with a hesitant look on her face, as if she was at a loss, and after a while, she admitted to me with a little shame and decided to be with this boy. I always remember the feeling of being pushed away by life, the nights we ran together, the nights we discussed our first job together, and the nights we talked about when we lived in her house and built a floor, but I can't remember, in the end we talked What, why did you laugh, feel sad, or feel depressed. I feel very sorry, after all, many things related to her are my youth. Movies have talked about so many good youth, and our youth is vague and fleeting. 4. Facing the current M, I need to search my stomach to think about some topics. It's not because of their different life trajectories. Of course, she got married in a regular and reliable manner, did the right thing at the right age, found a job in a state-owned enterprise at the right age, and happily ran to the reliable road superior. She is like a good girl who lives seriously in order to live a reliable life, but she does not get that simple and reliable life. It should have been eight or nine years ago that M had a strange disease, and I can't remember the exact name of the disease. But the strong disease is like a mountain. I still remember that she was planning to get married at that time, and one morning when she was very busy with work, her fingers suddenly became numb, and she couldn't stand up. She told me at the time that she was very busy and tired during that time. Wearing contact lenses caused inflammation in the eyes, which spread to many parts of the body, causing numbness in fingers and back. The system is out of order, and the attack itself cannot stand up. At that time, I thought it was an emergency caused by fatigue, and I advised her to stop being so tired in the future, she would be fine. At that time, I really never thought that this strange and seemingly acute disease would entangle her in twists and turns and has a long history. At first, it was not too serious, but she still decided to get married and set up a family. After N years. Almost every year, she has a sudden onset of the disease. She suddenly becomes weak in walking and has pain all over her body. She was hospitalized for examination, and she took various western medicines and hormones. It turned out that I always advised her: don't be too tired, just recover. Later, I persuaded her: it's okay, then keep it and let it not recur. Later, I said again: It's better to have fun in time, go out to play when there is no recurrence, we have to enjoy life. With these words of mine, her condition is actually getting worse and worse. She chose to quit her job to cultivate at home and be careful not to suddenly become paralyzed. 5. She said that she had checked a lot of information about the disease, and had seen the same patients. Some were paralyzed, while others recovered well. They can't have children, and their lives are not good. In short, they are all trembling. When she said these times, she was very calm, like giving me popular science, and because I was looking for words of comfort, I was absorbing everything about this disease, and then I found a way out of this disease, and pointed it out to her, like us She is responsible for being reliable, gentle, patient and patient, and I am responsible for being carefree and having fun in a timely manner. For nearly 10 years, her illness has come and gone, and our expectations for her life have changed a lot. When I was young, I was thinking: She has always been diligent, diligent, gentle and considerate. She should be worthy of a stable and beautiful family and a job that can pay off a little for her hard work. But in the end, I still sighed and did the housework and work. I didn't earn too much money. It was not bold and ambitious, but I could still get a very stable and contented life. But these are still stifled by strange diseases. She stays at home and prevents physical changes at any time. She doesn't dare to catch a cold, and she doesn't travel too far. She has a puppy, gets up, cooks and walks the dog every day. The atmosphere of ordinary peaceful life. Occasionally I go to a concert, but because of sudden illness, I can only transfer the concert ticket to me. I remember that one year I went to listen to Xu Wei because she was sick and was hospitalized, and she forwarded the ticket to me. When I was listening to the song, I texted her, and I said: Pu Shu, the one you like, actually came to the scene! She said: That's great. 6. In the blink of an eye, it seems that 8 years have passed since she became ill. I started to have blurry memories of this episode, and when she and her illness became inseparable and finally became part of her destiny, I also accepted this setting together. She gained weight rapidly because of hormones, so she can only buy large clothes and can't walk too much. We sometimes meet once every six months, in the hospital, sometimes once a year, buy bags in Xidan, and sometimes we forget to contact her for two or three years. On the 11th of 2015, she suddenly sent me WeChat to re-connect, and after chatting for a while, she told me: I had the disease throughout the year in 2015, which was particularly bad. I was a little accustomed to this news. After all, for the past 8 years, her illness has been going back and forth. I said, take a good rest and try to get better as soon as possible. I take time to see you. She said: Hmm. I am waiting for you. 7. On the fifth day of the new year in 2016, I went to see her at her house. After a long delay, I finally went to see her. She lives at her parents' house. I have stayed there before, but because I haven't been there for a long time, she copied the route and map for me with great thoughtfulness as always. Before I went, I went to visit the patient with the mood I had become accustomed to over the past 8 years, and prepared for the comfort of "get well and recover quickly, I will take you to Xidan to buy a bag to eat". She was sitting on the bed in her bedroom, fat and out of shape, about three times bigger than she used to be, and more out of shape than any time I've seen her in the past eight years. I don't know if there is a surprised expression, I only know that I quickly found a relaxed expression to face her. It was Po Wu that day, and M's parents prepared dumplings for me to eat with her. There were firecrackers outside and dumplings on the table, but I really couldn't find a reason to eat dumplings easily. After eating the dumplings and the table was removed, M's mother helped her to lie down. She couldn't move her whole body. She said that she was able to move her upper body now and could sit for a while. She couldn't sleep well either, because of nerve pain all over her body, and because she would sweat a lot while taking western medicine, she couldn't go to the toilet after replenishing water at any time, so she took the urine bag and hung it by her side. She laughed at herself and said: I have been so healthy since I was a child that I seldom caught colds, and as a result, I got a big one when I got sick. I was a little square that day, sitting by the bed, unable to think of anything to say for a long time. I can't remember what we've been talking about every time we chat over the years? I can't remember why she laughed happily or sighed depressed every time. She liked Xu Wei, Pu Shu and Huang Lei. The first time I listened to Hua'er Band, she introduced it, and I can't remember how she found it. I worked so hard to pass CET 6, and then sneered at my English grades. I think, I think about it seriously, I can still think of some of those past events, but at this moment, it seems that it is so out of place to talk about anything. I can only ask her how her health is. She explained patiently and said that this time was the worst. She couldn't stand up all of a sudden, couldn't move, she could only lie here every day, and she couldn't sleep well at night. They both live at their parents' house, and her husband lives alone. She only comes over on weekends. She is still very calm when she says these things, and it doesn't sound like a terrifying life. Then I tried to find another way to catch my breath during this most terrifying episode, and asked if she was getting better? She said yes, a little better. I introduced her to a recent good movie, and asked her to watch it when she had nothing to do at home, or write something like, "Maybe she became an internet celebrity in one fell swoop?" In short, I worked hard to find a lot of boring topics, irrelevant gossip, and Breaking down the details of my recent work. There is no way to talk to her about the past, I am afraid that I will be more depressed if I think too much about the health and youth of the past. There is no way to talk to her about the future. In the future, there is only a futile saying, "recover quickly and get well, and you will be fine." It seems that there is no way to talk about the present. She can't participate in many lives now. She can't talk about shopping, clothes, and work. Promotion, can't talk about love, can't talk... I don't seem to know what to talk about. I look like an autistic person with a communication disorder. I didn't even say any words of comfort. Oh my God, in the past 8 years, I have been unable to express all kinds of comforts. In the end, I could only send her a WeChat red envelope. Everything will be fine. She snatched the 66 bucks inside and giggled all by herself. She said, "Haha, this is the first time someone sent me a red envelope on WeChat!" 8. After the visit, I left her house, drove a long distance, and stopped in front of a red light. I opened WeChat, thought about it for a long time, and sent her a sentence, "Honey, you have to work hard, and enjoy life when you recover." She typed a bunch of words to me, and she said, "Well, thank you for visiting me today. And red envelopes, in fact, after you left, your heart was a little complicated. You just got up and went shopping with you after thinking about it, but I can’t do anything that a one-year-old baby can do now. Haha, it’s okay, I’m still Be strong and optimistic, strengthen your confidence, and be sure to get better, not only for me, but also for my parents, I feel very sorry for them." I also typed a lot of words to her: "Actually, I can't say anything comforting in front of you, I think it's pointless to say anything, I think you've suffered a lot, and I can't help you. I'll let you come to see you. It's hard work. But anyway, I can recover so many years ago, and I can do it later. Life has gone so far, and not everything can get what you want, but let's face it together." As a senior female tough guy, basically Facing the so-called sentimentality and sadness, but after I sent this WeChat, I drove the car to the side of the road and cried fiercely. Life is so tedious and mundane, I can't even find the opportunity to cry, but every time I watch M, I feel sad. An irrational feeling of grievance, a kind of: No, I have to find a place to cry and cry for no reason. I also despise my sadness because I can't do anything but feel sad. 9. In the next month, I used the online supermarket to buy a bunch of fruits and food for her, and she said in WeChat that she would eat well, cheer up and get better. I said: it must be. After a pause for a few minutes, she sent me another WeChat message: "I have something to tell you. I am divorced, and I will go through the divorce procedures this Saturday. The plot of the TV series happened to me again." She said that her husband's family was under a lot of pressure, and she felt that she couldn't have children or have a normal married life. She really couldn't hold on to it. She thought it was better not to drag others down. Everyone was relieved, which was good. She also said that she knew This is normal, but I still feel uncomfortable. The small family that has been in business for so long is gone, and the place and support in my heart are gone. "My life, what does it look like..." I really can't answer, I can't type a word of comfort, she thinks more and clearer than me about her life, but she can't answer what it looks like, how can I answer Woolen cloth. I typed in the text box for a long time, searched for a lot of independent and inspirational chicken soup, and finally crossed it out. I found a very eclectic and useless word and typed it out. I said: let's go forward together, we take care of ourselves. She said: Hmm. 10. Some time ago, I watched Drew Barrymore's new film "I Have Been Missing You" on the plane. It is a pure girlfriend movie. A pair of good sisters who have known each other since childhood went through reading, graduation, love, marriage, childbirth, etc. , did not miss all the important life stages of the other party, good sister A was terminally ill, the story told all the details from her illness to her death in a straightforward manner, whether it is filming or narration, there is nothing surprising, but I am sad to see , perhaps because of M. (Although it is not very auspicious, I still think of her) The movie records the growing years of the two girls at an extremely fast speed. Compared with the later pain and suffering, the previous life is like a beautiful cloud, and there is nothing to remember. matter. I think the same is true of my youth with M. Apart from knowing that we were with each other during that time, we don't seem to remember anything, and we can't even find the diary of our sissy together. If it weren't for this strange and intractable disease, M and M's life would have become a "childhood best friend who has gone further and further" on Weibo. Now, M and I still rarely meet each other. It's all a torment. On the surface, it still looks like a childhood best friend who has gone further and more irrelevant. However, every day when I'm busy with shit, when I sit on the bed to browse Taobao and watch movies, when I play and go shopping, when I go abroad to travel, I always think of her in every minute of my life. I used to think of her. doing what? What are you thinking? Later, I wondered: Does she feel that life is too unfair? How can I persuade her? Then I think, have we not achieved what we wanted to do before? But forget it, I want to live a good life with contentment. Later, I will think: maybe life is ultimately a person who suffers. So many years have passed in the blink of an eye, and what I think about her has changed a lot. Now... I just think of her occasionally in my busy life, trying to recall her past and my past. For the days to come, never forget. I think the same is true of my youth with M. Apart from knowing that we were with each other during that time, we don't seem to remember anything, and we can't even find the diary of our sissy together. If it weren't for this strange and intractable disease, M and M's life would have become a "childhood best friend who has gone further and further" on Weibo. Now, M and I still rarely meet each other. It's all a torment. On the surface, it still looks like a childhood best friend who has gone further and more irrelevant. However, every day when I'm busy with shit, when I sit on the bed to browse Taobao and watch movies, when I play and go shopping, when I go abroad to travel, I always think of her in every minute of my life. I used to think of her. doing what? What are you thinking? Later, I wondered: Does she feel that life is too unfair? How can I persuade her? Then I think, have we not achieved what we wanted to do before? But forget it, I want to live a good life with contentment. Later, I will think: maybe life is ultimately a person who suffers. So many years have passed in the blink of an eye, and what I think about her has changed a lot. Now... I just think of her occasionally in my busy life, trying to recall her past and my past. For the days to come, never forget. I think the same is true of my youth with M. Apart from knowing that we were with each other during that time, we don't seem to remember anything, and we can't even find the diary of our sissy together. If it weren't for this strange and intractable disease, M and M's life would have become a "childhood best friend who has gone further and further" on Weibo. Now, M and I still rarely meet each other. It's all a torment. On the surface, it still looks like a childhood best friend who has gone further and more irrelevant. However, every day when I'm busy with shit, when I sit on the bed to browse Taobao and watch movies, when I play and go shopping, when I go abroad to travel, I always think of her in every minute of my life. I used to think of her. doing what? What are you thinking? Later, I wondered: Does she feel that life is too unfair? How can I persuade her? Then I think, have we not achieved what we wanted to do before? But forget it, I want to live a good life with contentment. Later, I will think: maybe life is ultimately a person who suffers. So many years have passed in the blink of an eye, and what I think about her has changed a lot. Now... I just think of her occasionally in my busy life, trying to recall her past and my past. For the days to come, never forget.
2021
For the record, on March 21, 2021, she died suddenly. Before her death, she was still working hard to run a micro-shop, and she worked hard every day to post small advertisements in the circle of friends, saying that she was finally independent as a rare disease patient. The happiness opens the window to the world.
She couldn't get in touch with her parents, only that her relatives in the WeChat business group sent a simple message: saying that there is no illness in heaven. She also said not to disturb her parents. I heard that she was buried in Tongzhou, but I haven't been able to visit her yet.
Later, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was going to the train station to see her off. She was sitting on the old green leather train. She stuck her head out of the window and waved to me. In the dream, I was more honest. gone. She said: It doesn't matter, it will be fine, you will be fine.
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