"The Great Wall" visits the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games

Ruthie 2021-11-30 08:01:27

This article was originally published on the personal WeChat public account (ID: zai_yuan)

This article is full of spoilers ---------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- --------- My name is Matt Duomo, I used to be a mercenary, and I fight everywhere for money. I participated in World War II, and I lost my way when Normandy landed. A bunch of people came to save me; I went to Mars to open up wasteland and encountered a storm. My teammates didn't find me and returned to Earth. I planted potatoes on Mars, and a bunch of people came to save me. ; I went to work as an agent, but the mission failed and lost my memory. I was chased by a group of five scums; I went through the wormhole to find a habitable planet before the end. This time I played a trick to hibernate and wait for someone Come and save me, you can grab their spaceship...In short, my life is a legend. This time I'm going to the north of China to find the legendary weapon of mass destruction-呲花. That's wrong, it's black powder. It is said that this will be the worst starring role in my career. My team was chased by a group of barbarians and there were only a few people left. A monster came while we were resting. The others were killed in seconds, and there were no corpses. Holding the magnet in one hand and a knife in the other, I chopped off the claws of the monster, and the monster fell off the cliff and fell to death. The red viper on the side looked at me and said, damn awesome. Now only I and the Red Viper are left, and the barbarians are chasing us again. Although I have great arrows, I can't beat them. I can only slip away. So we rode horses and galloped to share the prosperity of the world, and finally slipped to the mountain-holy shit! This great wall! A large group of colorful soldiers stood on it-really colorful, red, yellow, black, blue, and green. The colors of the Olympic rings. It stands to reason that this era should be the Northern Song Dynasty in China, and there are not so many exotic color armors. But don't care about these details, I am a magical world here. Then they shot! The arrow flew over like a locust and shot a circle on the ground, enclosing me and the red viper. Behind is a barbarian eager to move, and in front is the condescending Celestial Shadowless Forbidden Army. Forget it, let's surrender. I told Xiaohong, you will listen to me later and promise you won't die. The Celestial army took us to their palace commander. Damn, this handsome palace is a bit familiar, with a tough face, so scared that I read two lines of poems at that time, the king of the earth is the tiger! However, he didn't fight the river monster in Pagoda Town, and I just remembered that it might be a play. Several other generals are also familiar, such as Xiaopang Shouzi Xie, Tang Yu Xiaobao, Elder Brother Fourteen, and a female general who wears a huge black cosmetic contact lens and looks very deep in the background. There is also a military division, although it looks like an undercover agent. The generals all wore helmets with various animal shapes, with bear heads, tiger heads, crane heads, deer heads, and eagle heads. I looked around and found no tortoises. I was a little disappointed. Seeing that the female general with a lot of background speaks English, I told her that I was a businessman. They talked about it for a long time, first they said they were going to kill us, so that Xiaohong complained to me, and then they said they should lock us up first. When I was about to go to jail, suddenly the Great Wall was full of smoke, and it turned out that it was a monster. So they took us to the city wall first, and also let me see the grand opening ceremony of the long-lost Olympic Games. The first is a group of little girls playing drums, Qi Delong Dongqiang, Qi Delong Dongqiang, Qi Delong East will play Xiqiang, Qi Delong Dongqiang! The movements are neat and uniform and well-trained. Then the five-ring color-matching team entered the arena, performing high-altitude tightrope walking, high-altitude diving, flying arrows, fireball throwing and various exciting events. I was so fucking dumb! The densely packed monsters under the city wall were beaten up and screamed, but a few still jumped onto the city wall and seemed to be very powerful. The number of arrows in their bodies did not affect them, killing many soldiers in minutes. I just remembered that the monster I killed didn't seem to be so powerful. Seeing that the situation is not good, one of the bear soldiers who guarded us didn't care about us anymore. He rushed to the monster and shouted, Great Monkey Luan! Red Viper and I were dumbfounded. At this time, we found that there was a western face that looked like a green devil. He came to help us get rid of the shackles, so we also participated in the battle. I have to say that the monster is really better than the one I have encountered before. I finally rely on the high The super arrow technique, shooting arrows into their eyes, solved the guy on the city wall, and by the way rescued the delicate big monkey Luan Xiong Army soldier. We washed and cleaned, I put up my coquettish ball head, and participated in the celebration banquet of the Shadowless Army. At the banquet, I performed the stunt of flying arrows and shooting bowls. Xiaohong threw a bowl, and I shot three arrows in a row and set the bowl on the pillar. Damn, this one is better than pretending to give myself full marks. The female general looked at me with different eyes. She sat next to me and ate with me. Halfway through the meal, she said she wanted to go out with me. As soon as I heard it was so interesting, I quickly threw down the bowl and walked with her. However, she took me to the 30-meter platform and asked me to tie the rope for a bungee jump. I just ate half full, but the big head didn't have to spit out. I couldn't waste food. So I said I don't believe you can hold me, so I don't jump. The female general spoke nonsense such as trust and courage in poor English, and said that we are not the same kind of people. Alas, it seems to be out of play, sad. After I went back, I, Xiao Hong and the Green Devils combined to steal gunpowder. The Green Devils have been here for 25 years and seem to understand a lot, but they need our help. I don't feel like stealing anymore at this time. Xiaohong asked if you fell in love with the female general, were you stupid, stole the black powder and went back, you can get a promotion and raise your salary, become the general manager, become the CEO and marry Bai Fumei to the pinnacle of life, you still think about this What are you doing with a woman who can't be popular anyway? The two of them are planning, I think we should help fight here first, after all, I think the jungler develops faster. At this time, something big happened. The Commander of the Palace was attacked by a monster while patrolling in the middle of the night and died. So I watched a large-scale performance of drumming, singing Qinqiang, and setting Kongming lanterns. What a big battle! The female general took over as the commander of the palace. Sure enough, she has a deep background! The next day was another battle, and the whole army was wrapped in white cloth and stood ready. It stands to reason that the mourning soldier will win, but he was beaten into a dog by the monster. It turns out that these monsters were put out by God to punish the greedy and cruel king two thousand years ago. They are called gluttonous. They invade once every sixty years. The little monsters come out to eat people and feed the Beast King to breed the race. I have been gesturing for a long time and finally I can write these two characters, and they are better-looking than those written by the big monkey-luan, I am so fucking great. Everyone together, this glutton is estimated to have evolved again. At this time, I asked me if I got anything when I easily killed a glutton. I thought, took a broken magnet, is this thing useful? The military master said very cleverly that the little monster wants to receive news from the Beastmaster, and the magnet will interfere with it, and the little monster will stand stupidly and let you kill it. So the strategy of combat changed to catch a mob to study, I said you can use a harpoon . I'm so fucking witty. In this battle, applying anesthetics to the arrows of the crossbow machine and chaining them to shoot the mobs and then pull them back. The principle is the same as that of a harpoon. But the gluttonous glutton is also very witty. The mobs shot by the crossbow machine will immediately be pulled off by the neighbors. Seeing that there is only one iron chain left to gain, I jumped down the chain and wanted to catch one. . Everyone thinks the magnetite is useful, and I don’t know why I didn’t bring one at this time. It is reasonable to say that there should be a lot of ore for compass in China, and the army can send one by hand. Of course, there is no logic, so you can't ask me to have logic at this time. In short, I was in a hard fight under the city, and my dear Xiaohong also jumped down and fought side by side with me. I was so fucking touched. The final result was that we caught a mob, and Xiaohong and I were rescued by the army. The military division took my magnet to study and found it really worked. I'm doing the fucking job again. A special commissioner came from the capital, and ignoring the opposition here, he pulled the glutton back to ask for credit. I looked at his back and just wanted to say, fuck you brother. Just when we thought we were about to defeat Gourmet, we suddenly discovered that they would dig tunnels. Are you Shawshank! A hole was dug directly under the city wall, bypassing the defense line and heading straight to the capital. But the little red and the green demon decided to steal gunpowder. I felt greatly disturbed in my conscience, but I was stunned to stop them. The army arrested me as a thief, but fortunately, a big Houerluan witnessed the whole incident and paid me innocence. But the gluttonous thing was imminent, and the cavalry had no time to go back, so they could only use a hot air balloon. So I flew to the capital in a hot air balloon with the military commander and Dahouerluan, with the female general flying in front. A large number of monsters have flooded into the capital, and we fought hard and entered the palace. The emperor is a little baby, let alone cute, losing his temper is a slow motion with his left and right hands. We made a battle plan, used the glutton we caught, tied it with gunpowder, fed it and let it go back to feed the Beastmaster, we blasted it, killed the Beastmaster, and the other mobs were instantly stupid, and the crisis was resolved. . We drilled through the tunnel of the imperial palace, and the Great Houerluan was attacked and injured. We made a human bomb in order to cover it. I, the female general and the military division, let go of the gluttonous food, climbed up the nine-story demon tower, and prepared to attack the Beastmaster from above. The military division also made human bombs to cover us. Damn it, this is really fucking halal. I tried to shoot two arrows, but there was a circle of guards beside the Beastmaster, and when he felt the crisis, he immediately formed a barrier that could block all attacks. There was only the last gunpowder arrow. I had a brainstorm and threw the magnet into the past, and then followed it with an arrow. Sure enough, the magnet passes The guard beast moved slowly for half a beat, leaving a hole, and slid through the arrow. Then there is bang bang bang! So boring, so the battle is over? Well it really is. The Green Devil and his good friend Xiao Hong ran away with gunpowder. The Green Devil tricked Xiao Hong into swallowing it alone, but was caught by the barbarians. The gunpowder exploded when the fire was burning. Xiaohong strolled in the Great Gobi alone and was captured by the Invisible Army. The little emperor said that I could choose to bring gunpowder or Xiao Hong back. I decided to take Xiao Hong. Xiaohong said that Nong's brain was wattless, but I saw the touch and...shy in his eyes? ? Before leaving, the female general came to see me off. She said that we are actually the same kind of people. I said, yeah yeah. In fact, I said in my heart, no, Lao Tzu's acting skills are much better than you. Well, now it looks like this experience is really the worst of my career. I'm fucking enough. End.

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Extended Reading
  • Myrl 2021-11-30 08:01:27

    There are as many slots as gluttonous

  • Ibrahim 2022-03-23 09:01:50

    I was so angry that I felt like I had eaten shit all afternoon even when I was sleeping, and I had the heart to strangle the director.

The Great Wall quotes

  • William: We are honored, to be honored.

    Tovar: Is that the best you've got ?

  • Tovar: Amigo, only you would carry a stupid magnet through the desert.

    William: I can use it to make a compass.