·Contains potentially uncomfortable content
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"The Lost Wife Men are guided by their fathers on the road to redemption”—a very similar opening indeed to Kingdom of Heaven, but it turns out to be an entirely different story. As a secular person, Balian of Ibelin sought reconciliation with his faith, but Kotomine Kirei, as a priest, finally found his desire.
As I said before, I can somehow resonate with Kotomine Kirei. There is no passion, no lofty ideas from the heart, no belief in anything, no idea what the purpose of my life is, and I can only do things that human beings generally think should be done... These are all things I have experienced. past mentality. And I do sometimes even find joy in the misfortunes of others. If there's anything preventing me from completely becoming a Kotomine Kirei-like character, the most effective of them is probably the fear of pain—it's what allows me to settle for some third-rate consolation, and I've decided to wait until this point. There is no hope of life ending. As far as Mine Kirei is not just a person without passion, it seems that even the feeling of pain is extremely slow, and he can always squander his life in a fierce and unrepentant way, which is absolutely impossible for me to do.
Compared with the lack of "pain", what has never been lacking in his life is "depression". I am astonished to see a man of great strength and indisputable diabolical nature, who sincerely fears his own nature, thinks it shameful to obey it, and sincerely tries his best to resist the embrace of the id; The resistance was not motivated by any concern of gain or loss, but simply because he felt "that's not right"--I admit, this is the first time I've seen such a character, and I've been fascinated by his strange anguish. . O evil spirit with a human body, since there is nothing to restrain you, and your empty soul is not afraid of external hostility, what is it that drives you to stand on your opposite side for a long time?
The more I try to find this answer in the novel, the more I have to admit that it seems to be the one that I think is the most impossible - Kotomine Kirei still firmly believes that there is truth in this world until he is reborn from the heart of black mud, And this truth is for good. "If God is the creator of all things, then 'happiness' is the truth for all souls. But now, a soul who violated morals and found happiness really exists. Kirei had just believed that this soul was none other than himself. In this way, the definition of good and evil, and the location of truth, are in conflict. This contradiction cannot be ignored. "No matter how unbelievable it may seem, isn't it Kotomine Kirei who asked this sentence!
He is still affirming the formula of the truth of the world that he has betrayed, but he just thinks he has made a mistake. The code of the What is it...I have to ask clearly, I have to find it. Even if it takes my whole life, I have to understand it.” — No matter which extreme of good and evil he walks on, Kotomine Kirei is always that way. The same sincere and depressing seeker.
And this is what makes me feel some respect for him and realize the most essential difference between myself and this person while arousing a sense of resonance.
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Regarding Kotomine Kirei's attitude towards Tohsaka Tokiomi:
I used to be puzzled by one thing, like being obsessed with Kotomine Kirei It's just as puzzling as to resist the id. That's why he doesn't seem to have even thought about taking pleasure from Tosaka Tokiomi, as he did on Matou Kariya? Generally speaking, it is obtained by the collapse and depravity of others. Most people who are pleasant can't resist the pleasure of letting the most solid and upright personality collapse and degenerate, but Tosaka Tokiomi seems to have no such attraction in Kotomine Kirei's eyes. And I'm accepting the most impossible thing mentioned above. Conclusion As the answer to the previous question (Why resist the id), this question is somewhat understandable.
Did Kotomine Kirei really have no malicious interest in Tohsaka Tokiomi? I think maybe the answer is not so sure. In his heart, he has more than once compared Tohsaka Tokiomi and his father Risei, thinking that they are the same kind of people - whether it is their clear ideals and purposes, or their unreserved trust in themselves. And the moment I saw Lizheng's body, I really had the idea of "Let my father taste the ultimate [beep] joy in the world before he dies"...
I think, for and Lizheng belong to the same person. The type of Tokiomi may not have made him have the same idea once and for all. And what was blocking him was probably the same thing that had been blocking the awakening of his nature all along. The affirmation of the truth that there is good in the world - though it is not known where that affirmation comes from - does exist in this twisted soul. So he should have affirmed Risei and Tokiomi in the same way. These two people are "right", and they are a piece of wrong code. There is an unbridgeable gulf between "right" and "wrong". The "right" cannot be turned into the "wrong", nor should it be. The "right" can only be eliminated and reduced but cannot be distorted. The so-called pleasure is finding other hidden faults...
and I feel conflicted about it myself. Kotomine Kirei and I still have different tastes after all—somewhat looking forward to the joy of "letting the most solid and upright personality collapse and degenerate". Having said that, there is some fear of seeing this become reality. It's like seeing a beautiful oil painting and wanting to touch it, but I also understand that part of the beauty of oil painting will inevitably disappear with the touch, and it will no longer be the painting that makes me want to touch because of its beauty. . So perhaps Kirei's choice met my expectations in another direction—don't change it, just sink it into the abyss.
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