Gregory Adam Wallace

Seth: When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal, something like 8 percent of kids do it. For some reason, I don't know why. I would just kinda... sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks.

Evan: What?

Seth: Draw pictures of dicks.

Evan: Dicks? Like a man dick?

Seth: Yes. Like a man dick.

[while you see Seth when he was a kid]

Seth: I'd just sit there hours on end drawing dicks. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to the paper without drawing the shape of a penis.

Evan: That's fucked.

Seth: No shit. It's really fucked up. Here I am. A little kid. And I can't stop drawing dicks to save my own life.

[you see the kid Seth draw a lot of different dicks on different sheets of paper and see a gallery of his drawings one by one]

Evan: Alright, I mean... I just don't see what this has to do with Becca.

Seth: Just listen. Okay?

[you see the kid Seth in a classroom]

Seth: Your precious little Becca sat next to me for all of fourth grade. And in the classroom was where I did the majority of my illustrations. I was very secretive about this whole dick operation. Even I thought I was fucking crazy. Imagine what everyone else would think? So I would stash all my dick drawings in this Ghostbusters lunchbox that I had. So one day, I'm finishing up this real big, veiny, triumphant bastard, all of a sudden...

Kid: Pussy!

[walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]

Evan: You hit Becca's foot with your dick?

Seth: Yeah. I know.

[kid Becca picks up the drawing he just did, looks at it for a second, sees that it's a dick, and screams her head off and runs to the teacher]

Seth: She starts crying, she flips out. Then she rats me out to the principal. He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox dick treasure chest and he fucking flips out.

[you see more of his dick drawings one by one]

Seth: He calls in my parents. Turns out this principal is a religious fanatic, and he thinks I'm possessed by some sort of dick devil. My parents go make me see some therapist, and he's asking me all these dick questions. They literally stopped me from eating foods that were shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles... You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.

Evan: Well, I don't... That's really messed up. Supergay.