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The Accountant: You're not the first to get out, and I doubt you'll be the last, but I have got to know, how did you get out with the God-killer?
Milton: I just walked in and took it.
The Accountant: Oh. Wouldn't wanna be you when he finds out.
Milton: What's he gonna do? Not let me back in?
-
Candy: [as they're having sex] Oh, baby. Why don't you fuck naked?
Milton: I never disrobe before a gunfight.
-
The Accountant: [to the last female cultist] Would you have killed the baby if he asked?... Thought so. See you soon.
-
Milton: It's still in there. The bullet. I can... I can feel it.
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Cap: No goddamn way. No ever loving way in God's good heaven are you an FBI agent.
The Accountant: I need you boys to stand down. Captain, you know what this badge means, right? Federal Bureau of get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way.
-
Piper: Gimme one good reason I shouldn't shoot you in the face.
Milton: I'm driving.
Piper: You know what I mean!
-
The Accountant: Satan is simply the warden of a very large prison. Quiet man actually, thoughtful and he's well read. And I happen to know the idea of sacrificing children in his honour annoys him greatly.
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The Accountant: [to Piper, re: the God-killer, which she's pointing at him] He didn't steal that from me to stop me. He stole it to slow me down. Go help him while there's still time.
The Accountant: [Piper starts backing away] Oh, and hold on tight. It has quite a kick.
-
Fucking Passenger: We're gonna kill your friend and the baby. And we're gonna live forever.
The Accountant: Forever? If forever to you means the next fives seconds, then you would be right.
-
Piper: Just so you know, I don't pick up hitchikers.
Milton: I didn't have my thumb out.
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Milton: Even in Hell there is compassion.
-
Piper: You gonna tap that or what?
Milton: Tap?
Piper: Geez, Milton, how long has it been?
Milton: I've had a lot on my mind.
Piper: Uh-huh. Right. Suit yourself then. But no one reaches the end and says, "I wish I hadn't fucked so much."
-
Jonah King: I've changed my mind about you, Piper. You are too willful to be taught. I am going to kill you, and then I'm going to defile your corpse.
Piper: Between now and then, I'm gonna fuck you up.
-
[first lines]
The Accountant: Since the birth of time, humanity has endeavored to restrain evil men in prisons. But since Cain fled the murder of his brother, evil men have fled the walls of punishment. So, it doesn't matter if you're a bad-ass motherfucker on the run, because you think you're better than everyone else, and somehow entitled to do what you gotta do. No. Because you see bad-ass motherfuckers are never fast enough. In the end, they will all be accounted for.
-
Fucking Passenger: You're too late. You gotta know that, right? First full moon, she's dead, man. She's dead and He's gonna walk the motherfucking earth.
Milton: Hell already is walking the earth. You tell him I'm coming. Tell him I'm coming to get her back.
-
The Accountant: You, fat fuck. Come here.
Fat Lou: What did you call me? What did you just call me?
The Accountant: I called you "fat fuck," and we had better leave it at that. Unless you'd prefer I call you, "dead fat fuck."
-
Fat Lou: Who are you?
The Accountant: I'm The Accountant.
Fat Lou: That supposed to mean something to me?
The Accountant: It will if I add you to the books.
-
Milton: I'm Milton. You're Piper, right?
Piper: Well, Milton, if you try and kill me and dump me in the woods, I'm gonna cut your nuts off.
Milton: Yes, ma'am.
-
Jonah King: This Milton is no friend to us. He will try and keep us from what we are rightfully owed. He is the blight, and we are the rain.
-
Piper: What kind of fucking gun is that?
Milton: The kind you use on guys like that.
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Candy: We was fucking. He killed them while we was fucking!
-
Teen #2: You almost fucking killed me, man.
The Accountant: Not even close. I won't see you again until you're 73.
[looks at the other teenager]
The Accountant: You, I'll see in three months.
-
The Accountant: What's that supposed to mean?
Man in Wig: It's a symbol for our pact with Lord Satan.
The Accountant: Pact, huh? Ooh! Funny, he's never mentioned you.
-
Milton: Thank you, Webster. I don't believe I'll be having that beer just now. Not unless I'm drinking it from Jonah King's skull.
-
Webster: Milton, if memory serves, you were always partial to the Chevelle, yes?
-
Milton: I'm going to kill you.
Jonah King: Ah, Milton, so many have tried. But I am armored with a power that you will never know. Nothing of this earth can kill me.
Milton: I'm not of this earth.
-
Milton: Let her go and give me the child, or I'll blow all your heads off.
-
Piper: [looking back] But why aren't they following us?
Milton: Because your a straight-up certifiable cop-killing murderer and they're scared of you.
Piper: [smiles] So what now?
Milton: Now we drive.
-
Candy: Howdy. I'm Candy. Start you off with some drinks?
Milton: Beer.
Candy: I need to see some IDs, too.
Milton: What the hell is this?
Candy: Guess it's been a while since you did that visiting. You want a drink? You gotta be a member. Dry county.
Piper: Holy shit. Sorry.
Milton: That was in my pocket!
Piper: Don't look at me like I'm some sort of thief. I lifted it for protection. If you stole my ride, I was gonna have to hunt you down.
Milton: Did she say something funny?
Candy: Yeah, this license isn't just expired, it's antique.
Milton: All right, then bring me a black coffee with sugar.
Candy: Aw! Now, now, now. For you, handsome, I don't know, I think maybe I can bend the rules a bit. My pussy is the best thing you can drink around here. But don't tell nobody.
Piper: You gonna tap that or what? Geez, Milton, how long has it been?
Milton: I've had a lot on my mind.
Piper: Uh-huh. Right. Suit yourself then. But no one ever reaches the end and says, "I wish I hadn't fucked so much."
Milton: And where are you going exactly?
Piper: To suck that man with the huge cock. Not everyone gets laid easily like you.
Candy: I'm wet, let's get the fuck out of here!
Drive Angry Quotes
Extended Reading
