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Fred Randall: A glitch? No, that's not possible. I programmed it myself.
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Fred Randall: I'm 30 years old. I'm almost a grown man.
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Fred Randall: Sweet swirling onion rings!
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Fred Randall: Hey, Commander, were you ever afraid of monsters under your bed? When I was little I used to think there was a baker under my bed.
William Overbeck: No.
Fred Randall: You ever look?
William Overbeck: No.
Fred Randall: Then how do you know there wasn't a baker under your bed?
-
[Repeated line]
Fred Randall: It wasn't me!
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Fred Randall: It wasn't me!
William Overbeck: What do you mean "It wasn't you"? We're 35 million miles from the nearest person!
Fred Randall: Maybe it was Julie.
William Overbeck: You dog!
Fred Randall: Hey! Miracles can happen.
William Overbeck: Blaming this on Julie!
Fred Randall: Okay. I admit. It was me.
William Overbeck: Thank you.
[Fred farts again]
Fred Randall: Now, THAT was Julie!
-
[about Fred]
Bud Nesbitt: Only a complete genius or a total fool could ever pull this off. Lucky for us he's both.
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William Overbeck: Have fun, kid.
Fred Randall: Fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name!
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Fred Randall: I have to go tinkle!
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Julie Ford: I guess I'll see you in eight months.
Fred Randall: Boy. I wish I had nine hundred twenty-eight dollars for every time a girl said that to me!
-
Bud Nesbitt: Look, it was an accident.
Fred Randall: Oh, sure, sure it was. Just like the captain of the Exxon Valdez didn't see Alaska floating there right in front of him!
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Fred Randall: I feel like a paleontologist that's been hunting dinosaurs his whole life and finally got to meet one!
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Fred Randall: I'll enter the same calculations using what we like to call The Right Way.
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Fred Randall: Mr. Wick, can I call you Paul?
Paul Wick: No.
Fred Randall: Are we there yet?
Paul Wick: No.
Fred Randall: Can I drive?
Paul Wick: No.
Fred Randall: Can I park it?
-
Paul Wick: He's a computer genius, he's supposed to be a little weird.
Julie Ford: A little?
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Fred Randall: [to the Chimp] Alright, I'm going out. If you light the place on fire the number's 9-1-1, thank you.
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William Overbeck: Well it's a very special drink. It's just for us astronauts.
Fred Randall: Oh! Like Tang?
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Bud Nesbitt: How about just saying, "Thanks for the cool coin, Bud. It really means a lot to me."
Fred Randall: Oh, yeah. Thanks for the cool coin, Bud. It really- what was the rest?
-
Fred Randall: Commander, can I call you Bill?
William Overbeck: No.
Fred Randall: Are we there yet?
William Overbeck: No.
Fred Randall: Can I drive?
William Overbeck: No!
Fred Randall: I'm hungry!
-
Fred Randall: We're the first to stand on Mars!
William Overbeck: Yeah. Now you're the biggest idiot on two planets.
-
William Overbeck: How'd you like to be the first guy to die on Mars.
Fred Randall: Well sorry Mr. First to Show Inappropriate Anger on Mars.
-
Fred Randall: Hey! There's no airbag. What if I go flying through the windshield?
William Overbeck: Randall, there is no windshield.
Fred Randall: Oh. Well, what if I go flying through the front of my helmet?
William Overbeck: I'd die happy.
-
Fred Randall: They say that when a mother's child is trapped the rush of her adrenaline gives her the strength of 20 men. Alright Commander call me Mommy!
-
Fred Randall: Who am I?
William Overbeck: Mommy.
Fred Randall: Say it like you love me.
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Fred Randall: You're alive Little Billy!
William Overbeck: Don't you ever call me little Billy!
Fred Randall: That's no way to talk to your mother!
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Fred Randall: It's a tale as old as time Ulysses. Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl. Girl goes into hypersleep.
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Fred Randall: Mom, going to Mars shouldn't be referred to running away.
Mrs. Randall: Last time you ran away it was only to the garage.
-
[Fred is typing on the computer to find out how long he's been asleep]
Fred Randall: [while typing] Query: How long have I been asleep?
[the screen reads "RESPONSE: THIRTEEN MINUTES"]
Fred Randall: Thirteen minutes?
-
Fred Randall: No eating puzzles in the house and surely we don't jump on the beds!
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Julie Ford: [about Fred] Just because we're going TO Mars, we gotta take along a guy FROM Mars?
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Paul Wick: Reconsider the mission? Sure...
[pretends to think]
Paul Wick: Okay, it's still on.
-
Paul Wick: Bud, your hunches are about as useless as dental floss at a Willie Nelson concert.
-
[Randall is laying on the floor with socks on his hands when the technicians come to get him out]
Fred Randall: Can you leave me alone for just five more minutes? I just got into the third act.
[with an English voice and moving sock puppet]
Fred Randall: Yes! Close the door! It's bloody chilly in here!
-
Fred Randall: It reminds me of a French Canadian tennis racket, stuck to the back of a Venus snow-goon, bubbling out of my sister's Brazilian donkey - I don't think I can make myself any clearer!
-
Fred Randall: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT! His name is my name too!
[whispering]
Fred Randall: whenever we go out, the people always shout,
[screaming again]
Fred Randall: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT!
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All: [singing] He's got the whole world in his hands!
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Gary Hackman: [with pants on his head] Somebody stole my pants.
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Fred Randall: Je suis le papillon sur la table avec le Chanel No. 5 regardons.
-
Fred Randall: How many times have I told you not to go wandering in a martian dust storm?
-
Fred Randall: What? You ignore me the whole trip, and now that I have no air you want to chat?
-
[as a young boy, Fred Randall is looking at the stars from what appears to be a spaceship window]
Young Fred: Gemini, this is Houston. Do you copy?
[imitates radio static]
Young Fred: Roger that, Houston. This is Captain Fred Randall.
[imitates radio static]
Young Fred: Houston, the earth looks beautiful. It's like a giant blueberry.
[imitates radio static]
Young Fred: Roger that, Houston. We are set to fire retrorockets.
[imitates radio static]
Young Fred: That's a go, Gemini. Retrofire ignition in T-minus six and counting. Five, four, three, two, one! Ignition!
[it's revealed that young Fred is actually in a dryer and it has just been turned on]
Young Fred: [spinning around in the dryer] Houston, we have a problem. We have a problem! Mission Control, the gyro is out! The gyro is out! Houston, we have a problem! We have a problem! I want my mommy! I want my mommy!
[Fred's mother returns to turn off the dryer]
Young Fred: Uh-oh.
Mrs. Randall: Fred Z. Randall, what are you doing?
Young Fred: I come in peace!
Mrs. Randall: Look, George, it's our little moon man.
Mr. Randall: [steps into the room] Sweet pickled pineapples! Why can't he play football, like the rest of the kids?
Mrs. Randall: Oh, George!
[as the parents leave, young Fred looks up at the stars wistfully]
-
[after another failed Mars landing blamed on a computer glitch]
Paul Wick: GET ME THE NAME OF THE GUY THAT WROTE THIS SOFTWARE!
-
[to her dismay, Julie has just been introduced to Fred and is conferring with Paul in private]
Paul Wick: So what do you think?
Julie Ford: What do I think? What do you think? I mean, what is your reasoning here, Paul? Because we're going to Mars, we should take a guy *from* Mars?
Paul Wick: He's a computer genius. He's supposed to be a little weird.
Julie Ford: A LITTLE?
Paul Wick: I am not gonna let a few random personality quirks ground the most important mission of my career!
Julie Ford: Well, Paul, excuse me for letting my practical concerns get in the way of your career!
Paul Wick: Wait, wait. This mission means just as much to me as it does to you, Ford! And if Gordon can't cut it, then this kid is our last hope.
RocketMan Quotes
Extended Reading
