[from a Super Bowl spot]

Mr. Krabs: The commercials in this game are really expensive, SpongeBob.

Squidward: [scoffing] It's just the pre-game.

Mr. Krabs: You've got twenty-six seconds to tell me everything in this movie.

SpongeBob SquarePants: [saluting] Sir, yes sir! There's fast cars, flashbacks, Snoop Dogg...

[a crowd of fish gasps]

SpongeBob SquarePants: ... robots...

[SpongeBob rips his pants and gets excited]

SpongeBob SquarePants: ... a wise sage...

Sage: Hello!

SpongeBob SquarePants: ...churros...

SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star: [losing focus] Ohhh...

SpongeBob SquarePants: ...the only thing missing is Gary.

[SpongeBob is screaming out in the open with lightning strikes in the background]

SpongeBob SquarePants: GARY!

Patrick Star: Let's go find him!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Do I smell a road trip?

Patrick Star: That could be my breath!

[the title appears and read by the commercial's narrator]

Mr. Krabs: Eh, that was money well spent!

[the Super Bowl spot ends]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [holding up a squeaky toy] Ooh, Gary, what's this?

[Gary eats the toy. There's an awkward pause]

SpongeBob SquarePants: OK, that'll come out later.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Aww, don't worry, Gar-bear. I'll be back before you can say "Why did he cruelly abandon me like that?"
[Squidward trudges to the Krusty Krab. The joint is dismal, but thankfully empty]

Squidward: Another day, another migraine.

[He goes to sit behind the register]

Squidward: Well, at least I'll get a little peace and quiet before that little...

SpongeBob SquarePants: Good morning, Squidward!

[Squidward jumps in fright and almost drops his magazine]

SpongeBob SquarePants: And isn't it a lovely morning?

Squidward: [knowing that any interaction from SpongeBob means trouble for him] Nope, not talking to you. I'm especially not getting involved in any of your nonsense today. I always end up with the wrong end of the stick.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, Squidward.

[Squidward sighs]

SpongeBob SquarePants: But you should know that Old Gertrude's getting pretty finicky these days.

Squidward: Old Gertrude? Who the kelp is that?

SpongeBob SquarePants: You worked with her for years! She's the eight-burner grill in the kitchen.

[SpongeBob enters the kitchen]

Squidward: [through clenched teeth] It never ends.
[Young Patrick sits on a log by himself, sobbing. Young SpongeBob walks up to him]

Young SpongeBob: Hi, my name's...

[Patrick bawls. Tears gush out of his eyes. He topples off the log]

Young SpongeBob: Hi, my name's...

[Patrick bawls even harder. A blast of tears shoots out and sends SpongeBob flying backwards. SpongeBob recovers and quickly shields himself]

Young SpongeBob: Hi, my name is SpongeBob, what's your name?

Young Patrick: I'm... Pa-Pa-Patrick. Waaaahhh!

Young SpongeBob: Why are you crying, Pa-Pa-Patrick?

Young Patrick: I'm homesick.

[He clambers back onto the log and continues sobbing]

Young SpongeBob: Well, that's a pretty good reason.

[He jumps onto the log and sits next to Patrick]

Young SpongeBob: Maybe all you need is a friend.

Young Patrick: WAAAAHHH! I don't have any friends!

Young SpongeBob: Well, you've got one now!

Young Patrick: Really?

[He picks up SpongeBob to see where this friend the sponge mentioned is]

Young Patrick: Who is it?

Young SpongeBob: It's me!

Young Patrick: You mean it?

Young SpongeBob: Of course!
Otto: I have a gambling problem.
Squidward: Which is why, even though I can't stand SpongeBob, but at the same time... well, I love him. I love him. And I hate him. He's like ice cream with salt on it, because he's sweet and super annoying. He's nice and nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying! Okay, fine, he's mostly super-freaking-annoying. But this little nattering noodge... is my friend. And he doesn't deserve to die.
[the gang peers out from a hiding place]

Mr. Krabs: Do you think we should have stayed in there with Squidward?

Patrick Star: Nah, he's got it.

[Squidward stumbles around inside the suit of armor]

Squidward: Where is everybody?

Soldier: Charge!

[the soldiers attack, knocking the armor into a fire pit. The metal heats up and Squidward screams in pain. The armor jumps up, clutching its behind, slips on Patrick's food and falls out a window]

Patrick Star, Sandy Cheeks: Squidward!

[the gang rush down a spiral staircase]

Sandy Cheeks: We've got you! Hold on!

[as Squidward plummets towards the ground in the burning armor, the gang races outside with a trampoline to catch him. They dart this way and that with the trampoline. The armor crashes to the ground next to them]

Patrick Star: Man down.

[a chicken drumstick lands on the trampoline. A dazed Squidward emerges from the hole in the ground]

Squidward: [sarcastically] Good... catch.
Sandy Cheeks: Alright, what'd y'all do with SpongeBob?

Squidward: We don't know where he is, Sandy. Hasn't been here in days.

[Sandy grabs Squidward around the neck suspiciously]

Sandy Cheeks: Don't you play coy with me, cephalopod.

[She lets go of Squidward and points an accusing finger at Mr. Krabs]

Sandy Cheeks: And you, arthropod. Start talking. Where is he? Tied up in the basement? Stuffed in your trunk?

Mr. Krabs: Nay, I could never harm the lad. His absence has taught me that much. And I'm not just talking about the money I'm losing with him gone.

[Sandy and Squidward exchange looks]

Mr. Krabs: Okay, fifty percent talking about the money, fifty percent talking about I truly miss the boy.
Patrick Star: [trying to be optimistic] Buck up, SpongeBob. It's not over yet.

SpongeBob SquarePants: It sure feels over. And crappy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh, I love your sense of irony, Patrick.

Patrick Star: Thank you. I love my sense of ironing too.