The Squid and the Whale Quotes

Bernard Berkman: Hey - Watch it!

Frank Berkman: Suck my dick, ass man...

Bernard Berkman: [Waiting to be taken away in an ambulance after having a heart attack] Degolas.

Joan Berkman: What?

Bernard Berkman: It means "bitch." Don't you remember?

Joan Berkman: You're calling me a bitch?

Bernard Berkman: No, don't you remember the last line of Godard's "A Bout De Souffle"? Belmondo calls Seberg a bitch. "Degolas." We saw it at the Thalia with the Dicksteins. I got you in for the children's price. You were pregnant with Walt.

Joan Berkman: Like six weeks.

Bernard Berkman: I still got you in for a children's ticket. You told me you didn't like Godard. You thought the jump-cuts were -

[He is loaded into the ambulance]

Bernard Berkman: I'd check for the cat behind the ashcans, under the Golodners' stoop!

Joan Berkman: OK.

Joan Berkman: You're early.

Bernard Berkman: Hi, Joan.

Joan Berkman: Don't feed him the generic stuff.

Bernard Berkman: What?

Joan Berkman: Frank says you're feeding the cat generic food. Get Purina, it's what he likes.

Bernard Berkman: It's the same damn thing, Joan.

Joan Berkman: OK. It's not, but...

Bernard Berkman: He's my cat, too. Remember when he got stuck in the wall in New Hampshire and I rescued him? I know how to handle him.

Joan Berkman: It was a radiator.

Bernard Berkman: What?

Joan Berkman: He got stuck in a radiator. You trimmed your beard.

Bernard Berkman: Yeah, it was starting to get a little feral. You look well.

Joan Berkman: Yeah? Thanks.

Bernard Berkman: Things are good here. Teaching is going well. And I'm playing the best tennis of my life. Maybe that's an illusion, but... it feels that way.

Joan Berkman: I'd appreciate it if you didn't... tell him about things like Richard.

Bernard Berkman: My father told me you called him.

Joan Berkman: I did, yeah.

Bernard Berkman: He said you, uh... he said you were upset.

Joan Berkman: Yeah. I wanted to... I like him. You know that. I just wanted to say - I don't know. I just wanted to say hello.

Bernard Berkman: He called me right after. He said, "Bernie, I think you can save your marriage." I told him... I didn't think there was anything else I could do. I did try everything.

[Walks away]

Joan Berkman: Bye, Bernard.

Bernard Berkman: You married?

Ivan: Nope.

Bernard Berkman: The whole thing's very complicated.

Frank Berkman: Mom's dating Ivan.

Bernard Berkman: Really? Ivan, back there, Ivan?

Frank Berkman: Yeah.

Bernard Berkman: Are you sure? Why didn't you say something? Why is your mother dating all these jocks? Very uninteresting men.

Frank Berkman: Ivan is very interesting.

Bernard Berkman: Ivan's not a serious possibility for your mother.

Frank Berkman: I think he is.

Bernard Berkman: I don't want to badmouth Ivan. But I don't know what Joan is thinking.

Frank Berkman: I think Ivan...

Bernard Berkman: Frank.

Joan Berkman: You're living with a twenty-year-old.

Bernard Berkman: It's none of your business, Joan.

Joan Berkman: It's my business when you have our kids! It's confusing for them. Frank says Walt's in love with her.

Bernard Berkman: Walt has a girlfriend. Fuck off, Joan. I don't ask about you and Ivan. Stay out of my life. I can't believe you'd talk to me like this. You left all those fucking ticket stubs and letters lying around! You wanted me to know. It was fucking torture, Joan! FUCKING TORTURE!

[first lines]

Frank Berkman: Mom and me versus you and Dad.

Bernard Berkman: Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what...

Joan Berkman: You never made a dinner.

Bernard Berkman: I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.

Walt Berkman: It's Welles' masterpiece, really. Many people think it's Citizen Kane, but Magnificent Ambersons, if it hadn't been ruined by the studio, would've been his crowning achievement. As it is, it's still brilliant. It's the old story, genius not being recognized by the industry.

Lance: It sounds great. Who's in it?

Walt Berkman: Orson Welles? I don't know, I haven't seen it yet. I've seen stills.

Sophie: Yeah. I mean, it's gross when he turns into the bug, but I love how matter of fact everything is.

Walt Berkman: Yeah, it's very Kafkaesque.

Sophie: [She looks at him oddly. She laughs] Cause it's written by Franz Kafka.

Walt Berkman: Right. I mean, clearly.

School Therapist: I wonder how you're feeling right now.

Walt Berkman: I don't know.

School Therapist: Why don't you tell me about something less uncomfortable, like a nice memory, maybe?

Walt Berkman: Isn't that kind of a stock question for a shrink?

School Therapist: Yes. That's more or less how this works.

Walt Berkman: I can't think of anything right now

School Therapist: Just think. Come one. Just something. Meet me halfway here.

Walt Berkman: Um, alright, let's see. Okay, um, when I was around six my mom and I, she and I ducked out of Julie Glynn's birthday party to watch Robin Hood together on our TV.

School Therapist: That sounds like a nice memory.

Walt Berkman: I liked Errol Flynn.

School Therapist: Errol Flynn. That's all?

Walt Berkman: And... I was glad she let me leave the party early to watch the movie. She and I loved that movie. It's like... It's like we were pals then. You know, we'd do things together. We'd look at the knight armor at the Met, the scary fish at the natural history museum. I was always afraid of the squid and the whale fighting. I could only look at it with my hands in front of my face. When we'd get home, after my bath, she'd go through all the different things we saw that day at the museum and... And we'd get to the Squid and the Whale and she'd describe it for me which was, maybe, still scary but it was less scary. Anyway, it was fun, it was fun to hear about it.

School Therapist: Did your dad live at home back then?

Walt Berkman: Yeah, why?

School Therapist: You didn't mention him. Where was he during all of this?

Walt Berkman: He was... I don't know, exactly. He was... He was downstairs, maybe. He didn't ever come to the museum. This was before my brother was born. This was before... It was earlier.

Bernard Berkman: How do you know they were both Frank's?

Ms. Lemon: Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.

Bernard Berkman: Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.

Joan Berkman: Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?

Bernard Berkman: I'm not going to answer that.

Bernard Berkman: Put me in your mouth!

[as he tries to force Lili to give him a blowjob]

Bernard Berkman: You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.

Lili: That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.

Walt Berkman: [kisses her knee]

Lili: [lowers her head] Do you think...

Walt Berkman: [brings his up and smacks her in the nose]

Lili: Oh shit! Fuck!

Walt Berkman: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Lili: No, it's ok. It's just a bloody nose.

Lili: [they kiss] Why did you stop?

Bernard Berkman: I'm your teacher.

Lili: You know, I've always wondered what it'd be like to fuck you.

Bernard Berkman: Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you tuesday, wednesday and every other thursday.

Walt Berkman: And what about the cat?

Joan Berkman: The cat!

Bernard Berkman: We didn't discuss the cat.

Bernard Berkman: Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.

Frank Berkman: What's a philistine?

Bernard Berkman: It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things.

Bernard Berkman: Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.

Frank Berkman: Then I'm a philistine.

Bernard Berkman: No, you're interested in books and things.

Walt Berkman: I shouldn't have broken up with Sophie.

Joan Berkman: Why did you?

Walt Berkman: I thought I could do better.

Joan Berkman: Better how?

Walt Berkman: I don't know.

Sophie: My Father said you had a weak handshake, which is a sign of indecision.

Walt Berkman: His hands are so huge. I couldn't get a good grip.

Walt Berkman: [on the telephone] ls Mom letting you drink soda?

Frank Berkman: Beer.

Walt Berkman: Since when do you drink beer?

Frank Berkman: Since recently.

[Frank takes a swig from the can]

Frank Berkman: Do you think Don and she did it?

Walt Berkman: I don't wanna think about it.

Frank Berkman: Imagine Don's dick in Mom's mouth.

Walt Berkman: Who are you? Stop it.

Frank Berkman: Do you think they do that? Do you think she gets anal sex from Don?

Walt Berkman: Stop okay?. It's disgusting. Don't.