Up in Smoke Quotes

[stoned cop walks up to the van, where Pedro and Man have been trying to switch who's driving]

Cop: What do you guys want?

Pedro: Nothing.

Cop: Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?

Pedro: Huh? No man, here, take the whole thing.

[the cop takes a huge bite]

Pedro: Want some fritos?

Cop: [through a mouthful of hot dog] no, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?

Man Stoner: Hey man, what was that dude's trip? I mean what was he on, man?

Pedro: Man, I don't know but I wish we had some of it!

Pedro: Hey how am I driving, man?

Man Stoner: [looks around] : I think we're parked.

Pedro: Man, what is in this shit, man?

Man Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.

Pedro: What's Labrador?

Man Stoner: It's dog shit.

Pedro: What?

Man Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.

Pedro: Yeah?

Man Stoner: I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?

Pedro: You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man?

Man Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?

[Song, "Rockin' Robin" plays...]

Man Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?

Pedro: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Border Guard: So, how long you've been in Mexico?

Pedro: A week. I mean a day.

Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?

Pedro: A weekday.

Man Stoner: Man my legs hurt.

Pedro: Yeah I bet!

Man: You wanna get high man?

Pedro: Does Howdy Doody got wooden Balls man?

Strawberry: Ahhh, look at that man, the great outdoors, huh!

Pedro: Yeah, the great outdoors...

[gives Strawberry a weird look]

Man: We don't even know any tunes yet, man.

Pedro: What do you mean, man? We had two rehearsals, man. Besides, it's just punk rock, man. You know, you don't have to know how to play. All you just got to do is be a punk, man. We could do that.

Man: Well, we got to get loaded first, though.

Pedro: Yeah, we should get loaded.

[Man has disguised himself as a woman while hitchhiking]

Man Stoner: Hey, man; I'm glad you picked me up, man. I slept in a ditch last night, man, I was about to freeze my balls off, man.

Pedro de Pacas: Man, I didn't even know you had any, I wouldn't of stopped.

Arresting Officer: Sir, could I please see your license?

Pedro: Whuut?

Arresting Officer: Your license. Where's your license?

Pedro: It's back there on the bumper, man!

Arresting Officer: No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.

Pedro: Oh yeah, I got the bullshit back here man...

[gets license with great difficulty]

Pedro: Hey I thought'a somethin' really funny, man... Your mother!

[laughs]

Arresting Officer: [after dirty look, of course] Sir, what's your name?

Pedro: uuhhh... Isn't in on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...

Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir, what's your name?

Pedro: Whut? I told you my name, man!

Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir... what's YOUR name?

Pedro: [to Man] Hey man! The dude wants to know your name, man!

[Man vomits onto the floor of the car]

Pedro: Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!

Pedro: Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.

Man Stoner: What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?

Pedro: My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.

Sgt. Stedenko: Now just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?

Unknown: Which basketball?

Sgt. Stedenko: Which basketball?

[after picking up Man, Pedro guns his car and takes off down the street]

Man Stoner: Ohhh! Ohhh!

Pedro: Hey, how far you goin' man?

Man Stoner: [points to the curb] Hey, right here would be fine, man!

Pedro: What, you're not afraid of a little speed, are ya man?

Man Stoner: Wha, you got some speed, man?

Pedro: Huh? Speed? Oh, no, I don't got no speed man. But you know what I do got? I got a joint man!

Man Stoner: Oh, wow.

Pedro: [gets it out and hands it to Man] Here, light that thing up man, let's get chinese-eyed.

Man Stoner: [eying the joint] Kinda skinny, isn't it?

Pedro: No, it's a heavy duty joint, man.

Pedro: Kinda looks like a toothpick.

Pedro: Naw, it's not a toothpick, man.

Man Stoner: No, it IS a toothpick, man.

[hands it back to Pedro]

Pedro: [looking at it, puzzled] it IS a toothpick!... wait a minute man, I got the shit right here.

[feels around in his pocket]

Pedro: huh... no, that's my dick.

[feels around some more]

Pedro: , okay, here you go, man.

[hands a skinny, curled up joint to Man]

Man Stoner: [looking at a dinky little joint] Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

Pedro: Hey man, you want to get out and walk, man?

Man Stoner: Hey, hey, I got somethin' that'll mellow you out, man. You're just freakin' out. Here, here...

Pedro: [panting] I never smoked no shit like that before.

Man Stoner: Take these, man. Take these. This'll mellow you out, man.

Pedro: What is this... What is that, man?

Man Stoner: Just take 'em, man.

[Pedro swallows whatever he was handed]

Man Stoner: Huh... Hey, hey, don't take *those*, man.

Pedro: [...] What?

Man Stoner: I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.

Pedro: Hey man, I already took 'em, man.

Man Stoner: [laughing in astonishment] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...

Pedro: Hey, whaddaya mean "ho ho ho ho ho"?

Man Stoner: Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!

Pedro: Hey, what was in that shit, man?

Man Stoner: You just ate the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!

Pedro: Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.

Man Stoner: Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...

Man Stoner: [Cheech starts toking on the giant joint] Toke, toke it up, man!

Man Stoner: [Cheech starts choking] Kinda grabs ya' by the boo-boo, don't it?

Man Stoner: No, hey man, if we're gonna wear uniforms man, you know let's have everybody wear something different.

Pedro: Yea, that's it. Yea, we want something wear everybody wears something different man, but the same, you know?

Curtis: Hey, man, I got some weed straight from Turkey, boy. It's what set them Arabs off.

Pedro: Arabs from Turkey?

Curtis: Yeah, man! Yeah! It was from Turkey. Hey, man, this stuff is so bad, it'll put a hump in a camel's back.

Pedro: No shit?

Curtis: I wouldn't shit you, baby. I mean, this is some bad weed.

Pedro: You got it on you?

Curtis: I got it on me, man. You got to check it out. It'll boogie-woogie on your brain.

Pedro: Alright.

Curtis: Just cause we tight, I'm gonna let you have it for a double-dime.

Arnold Stoner: [to wife, off camera] Sweetheart, I'll talk to him.

[to Anthony, "Man", as he makes a fruit smoothie]

Arnold Stoner: Son, your mother and me would like for you to cozy up to the Finkelstein boy. He's a bright kid, and, uh... he's going to military school, and... remember, he was an Eagle Scout...

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: Arnold...

Arnold Stoner: [shouting as wife continues] Will you shut up? We're not going to have a family brawl!

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: ...and a retard!

Arnold Stoner: We've put up with a hell of a lot.

[Anthony starts blender]

Arnold Stoner: Can this wait? Build your goddamn muscles, huh? You know, you could build your muscles picking strawberries. You know, bend and scoop... like the Mexicans.

[Anthony turns off blender and pours contents into tall glass]

Arnold Stoner: Shit, maybe I could get you a job with United Fruit! I got a buddy with United Fruit. Get you started. Start with strawberries, you might work your way up to these goddamn bananas!

[Anthony drinks from glass as his father shouts]

Arnold Stoner: When, boy? When... are you going to get your act together?

[Anthony turns to him and gives a loud belch]

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [in disgust] Gross!

Arnold Stoner: [rubs his forehead with his hand] Oh, good God Almighty me. I think he's the Antichrist.

[turns to his son]

Arnold Stoner: Anthony, I want to talk to you. Now, listen!

[Anthony walks away and gives an obscene gesture behind his back]

Arnold Stoner: Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! You get a goddamn job before sundown...

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [pointing to Anthony as he walks away] Is that some kind of peace sign?

Arnold Stoner: ...or we're shipping you off to military school with that... goddamn Finkelstein... shit kid!

[turns away in frustration]

Arnold Stoner: Son of a BITCH!

Unknown: Sgt. Stedenko what are you exactly looking for?

Sgt. Stedenko: Dope, drugs, weed, grass, toot, smack, quackers, uppers, downers, all arounders. You name it we want it!

Man Stoner: [on police radio] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?

Clyde - Narc: Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive... we are...

Sgt. Stedenko: Use the codename! The codename!

Clyde - Narc: Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. The is Codename Hardhead.

Sgt. Stedenko: Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.

Man Stoner: Was that Lardass?

Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?

Man Stoner: Hey, I got somethin' for ya, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Hard... Hat! Do you understand?

Pedro: Lardass, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?

Pedro: Naw, who is this is?

Sgt. Stedenko: This is Sergeant Stedenko!

Pedro: Oh yeah, you know who this is?

Sgt. Stedenko: No!

Pedro: Bye-bye, Lardass!

Pedro: I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?

Man Stoner: "Tied stick"?

Pedro: Yeah, you know that stuff that's tied to a stick.

Man Stoner: Ohh, THAI stick.

Pedro: You girls need a ride?

Jail Bait, Jail Bait: No.

Pedro: You sure? - No. - Later for you, you little jailbaits.

Jail Bait, Jail Bait: Yeah

Pedro: I'm going that way.

Jail Bait, Jail Bait: No.

Pedro: Later for you, you little jailbaits.

Pedro: Oh, what's that? She's hitchhiking. Hey, watch out. Coming over. Geronimo! Hey, double bubble. Come on, baby. I'll give you a ride. Let's go! Yeah, bend over. I'll drive you home, baby. Hey, you ain't a chick!

Man: Yeah, I know.

Pedro: I'm in a band, too, man.

Man: Oh, are you?

Pedro: Yeah, I'm a lead singer, man.

Man: Wow, that's hip, man.

Pedro: Yeah, we play everything from, like, Santana to El Chicano, man. You know, like, everything!

[singing]

Pedro: Hey, I'm just a love machine, And I don't work for nobody but you, I'm just a love machine, And I don't work for nobody but you, Woman, when my temperature rise, And then I go for her thighs, And then I see guacamole in my shoes, Guacamole in my shoe.

Pedro: Is that a joint, man? Like god damn! It looks like you got a Quarter Pounder, man. Led Zeppelin!

Man: Hey, be careful with that shit, man.

Pedro: What? Is it heavy stuff, man? Will it blow me away?

Man: Better put your seatbelt on, man. I'll tell you that much.

Man: Hey, these uniforms are lame, man.

Curtis: What chu mean lame, sucka?

The Band: Bass - James: Hey, Pedro, man. Where's the white dude you say was playing the drums?

Pedro: That's him, man.

Pedro: I can't believe we can't find no grass nowhere, man.

Man: That's 'cause too many people are smoking it now. And it really makes it tough on the rest of us.

Man: Who lives here, man?

Pedro: That's my cousin Strawberry, man. He's probably got some dope, man. He's always got the best smoke.

Man: Oh, I hope so, man.

Pedro: Yeah, well, he's cool. His only thing is, he's a little weird. You know, like, he went over to Vietnam, man, and he came back all weirded out, you know.

Man: Yeah, well, that 'Nam grass will do it to you, man.

Curtis: This bad low machine is yours?

Pedro: Yeah!

Curtis: Oh, Pedro, you got a taste of soul to you, bro.

Pedro: And style, too.

Curtis: Hey-hey, I hear you. Hey, now, you know what you need to go with this bad ride?

Pedro: A chick?

Pedro: Where'd you learn how to roll them big joints, man?

Man: Hey, you like that, man?

Pedro: Whoa! They're heavy.

Man: Yeah, I used to be a roadie for the Doobie Brothers, you know.

Pedro: What a groovy gig.

Man: Yeah, I dug it.

Pedro: Hi, ladies.

Jade East: Hey.

Pedro: Hey, apres-vous, all of you.

Debbie: Thanks.

Pedro: There you go. Watch your step. I'll watch everything else.

Pedro: Hey, what's happening?

Man: How far are you going, man?

Debbie: All the way.

Pedro: All right. We're going there ourselves.

Debbie: Wow. This is a neat van.

Pedro: Yeah. Want to see the rest of it?

Debbie: Okay. Sure.

Pedro: Yeah? Oh, hey. We'll go right back there. The rest of it is right back there. Go ahead. Hey, watch your step. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, right back there.

Man: Hey, have fun at Magic Mountains.

Pedro: Oh, yeah. I see London, I see France.

[giggles]

Pedro: If I ain't out in three weeks, man, send a search party.

Debbie: I love a manly chest.

Pedro: Yeah. So do I. I mean, on a girl.

Debbie: [referring to her top] Does this show?

Pedro: Yeah, they sure do.

Debbie: No. I mean this, this spot.

Pedro: Let's see. Yeah, a little bit. Here, I'll take it out for you.

Debbie: Will you?

Pedro: Yeah. Sure. Just take it off.

Debbie: Oh, great!

[removes her top]

Man: I don't feel so good, man.

Pedro: Hey, come on, man. We're on in... Did you give him some pills?

Jade East: Yeah, I gave him some pills, but I gave him ups.

Pedro: Shit, man. Come on. Hey, how many fingers you see?

Jade East: I think I fucked up.

Pedro: Oh, shit. Anybody got any coffee or anything?

Jade East: I got a popper. We could either, like, you know, party later or try to start his heart.

Pedro: All right. You guys ready to jam? All right, here we go. One, two, three. Yeah.

[singing]

Pedro: My mama talking to me trying to tell me how to live, But I won't listen to her because my head is like a sieve, My daddy, he disowned me 'cause I wear my sister's clothes, He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose, My basketball coach he done kicked me off the team, For wearing high-heeled sneakers and acting like a queen...

The Narcs: Sergeant Stedenko: Why don't you guys admit it? You got the munchies! The munchies, right? I've never been so disgusted in all my life. You're a disgrace to the force! You've let me down, boys. Harry, are you understanding me? I am stoned. I am stoned!

The Narcs: Harry: So go with it.

[last lines]

Pedro: Come on, let's go get high.

Roxy "Rock Fight of the Century" Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, "Whores".

The Groups: Piss off!

[singing]

The Groups: Another nice, And that is nice, Say it again, And you say it twice, I've been telling you a pack of lies...