What is numbness? It's the problem that arises and you don't even realize what the problem is. Your world is only you.
What is indifference? It is the problem that arises, and I realize that there is such a problem, but I evade and ignore it subconsciously. You want your world to be only yourself.
Have you ever been numb, indifferent? Or are you still numb and indifferent without knowing it? Some people can't understand why his wife's funeral did not leave a single tear, but I have a deep experience. I have experienced three funerals. When I was about ten years old, my grandmother died. I was still young. When I saw the small corpse lying on the bamboo frame, I had no other feeling except curiosity. Until this year, my grandmother and grandfather passed away one after another in less than 20 days. Neither of them died suddenly, but after suffering from illness for a period of time, they gradually died. It is very interesting that when I first heard the news of a person crying in the hospital, it seemed that there was no more. Until the last death, burial, funeral, looking at those pretended real crying faces, I felt that it was meaningless. Why is this so? Yes, why? I repeatedly ask myself, I love my grandmother, I love my grandpa, even more than my parents. What's wrong with me?
I just think all this is so unreal! It's a show rather than a memorial ceremony. Those who are crowded, those who know and don't know, those who pretend to be filial, those who pretend to be human, those who join in the fun, those who are busy, those who pour wine, those who cook food, those who calculate money, those who are busy running around Yes, there are people busy with all the chores, but no one is sad, I'm talking about sadness.
I stayed with my sick grandmother and grandfather for a long time, even if they didn't know me by the end. I was with them in their last moments. However, the moment when they actually go is missed. They have been lying in bed for a long time. I accompanied my grandmother to my little aunt's house for the last time. I stayed with her for a few days. One night, I said, I will go home and take a shower and come back. Just after taking a shower, they called The phone said that my grandmother was gone. Later, I stayed with my grandfather for a long time, watching him change from a normal person to an anorexic patient in a few days, lying in a coma, dragging, dragging, I said, I will go back for a few days and deal with it Some things will come back soon. Just arrived, I called in the early morning to say that my grandfather was gone. So for me, death is not a momentary thing, I have not seen a momentary death, death is for me as early as the day I learned that they were sick, that moment, that rainy afternoon, I Standing alone in the hospital building, listening to the doctor's light-hearted diagnosis, death has already happened. Those days with them were helping me prepare for the face, and in the end, that moment, when I wasn't there, maybe it was God's will. Elizabeth describes the five stages of a person facing death: Denial-Anger-Negotiation-Depression-Acceptance, I felt like I didn't have the full experience, and I quickly moved from denial-acceptance. But there was sadness in the middle.
When David began to share his real feeling with strangers and wrote letters to a strange company, he was expressing his sadness, his sadness, which could only be told to strangers. It's like pouring out secrets with Shudong. Because no one will give a shit, no one will judge you, with sad eyes, pitiful tone, like they all know how you feel. But the truth is that no one will ever know how you really feel. They just follow this social norm and give the sympathy a society thinks should be given to a person who has lost a wife. That's fake, not real, why do we need fake pitty to comfort ourselves when we lose a real person.
No one even went to ask each other, "Are you okay?". Everyone was busy wrapping up the funeral, talking about how things were going and how business was going. Feeling relieved, like solving a problem. Those who are really sad have to hide their sadness and go back to the tree hole. Like at the moment, i am typing, and i miss them so much.
Why is this happening? Some people say that apathy and numbness are caused by feeling unimportant. I think maybe, but maybe not. If David really didn't think their marriage was important, he wouldn't grieve afterwards. I think sometimes, indifference and numbness are subconscious fear and resistance, fear of losing, fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt, fear of letting others into your world and then leaving again, fear! So defensively, he began to respond indifferently to all the care, numb his feeling, until he couldn't feel any emotion at all. But when the person who made you afraid of losing is gone forever, there is finally nothing to be afraid of, but the long-term indifference and numbness have left you without the feeling of expressing emotion. So the destruction started, tore down everything that made you feel wrong, at least for feeling, started to respond, didn't you? Although a little violent. David is healing himself, he is responding to those feelings little by little, violent, plain, sad, happy. This time, he didn't ignore those feeling indifferently, because he had already lost, so he was no longer afraid of losing. Let me not to pray to be sheltered
from dangers but to be fearless in facing them Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but for the heart to conquer let me not beg for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved but hope for the patience to win my freedom
Grant
me that I may not be a coward, feeling your mercy in my success alone; but let me find the grasp of your hand in my
failure
--- Tagore's "Fruit-Gathering"
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