Before marrying W, he gave me a Bible. I read it off and on for a year. Now I don’t believe in heaven and hell, resurrection, or eternal life. But I believe in God and believe in love. My God, I am not called God, nor God, nor Father, nor Jehovah. He has no name. When I talk to him, I take a deep breath and spit it out, without a burden on my shoulders, and be honest in front of him.
I believe in love, intellectually. Love is hard. Countless times I feel that I finally understand love, and countless times when I look back at myself before, I still don’t understand love. Before I got married, W’s parents invited me to my home and played a video of the church organizing a funeral for a child. The child’s parents shared their questioning and resentment towards God from the early stage of his son’s illness, and finally calmly accepted, and happily sent his son back to heaven. Of course. After watching the video, I was taught on the surface, and I was very disdainful in my heart. But then a passage from Mother W made me cry: She said that the greatest comfort given to her by believing in Jesus Christ is to know that those who believe will go to heaven after death and reunite with their loved ones in heaven. W’s grandfather was addicted to gambling when he was young, and her grandmother worked hard to take care of her children alone. She was very resentful of her husband and even reluctant to believe in religion. She once threatened "If I want to see him again, I would rather go to hell!" Years later, his grandfather completely repented until he fell ill. One day before his death, grandmother suddenly called W's mother and said, "I don't hate him anymore, somehow, but I don't hate him anymore." The family felt that it was the strength of the church for a long time that allowed them to stay together. Let go of the past before parting. W’s mother said that she loved her parents too much, and her husband and son too much. When she was a child, she shed tears whenever she thought that her parents would die and leave her forever. Later, she believed in Jesus, believed in heaven and eternal life, and finally was able to Let go of fear and sadness.
Finally, she said, "I want to see you again in heaven, too."
At that time, I was so moved that I was crying, because I also loved my parents and W, and I deeply understood that the death of her relatives in her mouth, even if it was only an imagination, was the kind of sadness that was like a knife. And my luck is that I love W, and his family also loves me as their own. I shared this with my friend Ling, and Ling said: "How boring to see the people I love in this world again!" The open hand, the love that has been enjoyed, tempted, and languid, probably never want to see it again.
I teased about my "boring" life: when I was still dreaming of a sunny and handsome young literary man/maverick bad boy, a man of science and engineering with his own uncle, with a shaved beard and a small belly, Write to me with crappy writing and twisted handwriting. Love is calm, no prince or princess breaks through the bridge blocked by the dark forces in every way. The parents of both parents applaud and blessed each other. On the wedding night, the old virgin and the old virgin, who are nearly 30 years old, offer each other the first night, three hundred and sixty one year after marriage. Staying together 24 hours a day for fifteen days: eating, sleeping, playing drama, and busy working in the two-person studio. Five years have passed.
A few days ago, W asked me if I could give him unconditional love, not because of his goodness, nor because of what he gave me. Thinking about it carefully, I found that I didn’t have the power to give this kind of love. I would be disturbed by the things around me, doubt, shirk responsibility, and get mad at his various problems. However, I really want to love unconditionally. He wanted to hug his fragile and sad soul and accept him unconditionally. I promised him, while taking a deep breath, praying to my God for strength. My God took away my anxiety, doubt, responsibility, and judgment, and let me love unconditionally.
Only those who are in love can yearn for heaven. In other words, it is paradise in love. And I just want to see you again.
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