I first liked Allen in February 2017. It has been more than a year since Allen died. It was also the first time I watched this movie. I still remember that it was early spring and I was still in college. I wrapped the little quilt in the bedroom, and I saw the darkness of the night from the twilight. I still remember the bright yellow light shining on my hand, and I stared at Alan Rickman on the screen, feeling extremely warm.
It was a warm, beautiful, and free moment. It was a very beautiful moment in my college career. Looking back now, I am really grateful for the company of Allen at that time. When the night was low, I couldn't cry. I can't control myself. That was the saddest time I have cried in 20 years.
Usually, sadness cannot be empathized. So I am very grateful to my roommates, they understand me sincerely and comfort me. I did reduce some of my grief because of caring.
I don't know what you think of Allen. For me, he is my first idol, at least for now, and the last. In less than two years, I have also forgotten, but when I think of this man again, I miss it even more. I thought I left him behind (like the Korean group I used to like for three days). It turns out that the bits and pieces I remember when I liked him at first, every sentence I wrote, the eulogy about him, his I remember all his face, his voice, and his sonnets, and I have not forgotten them.
I know Allen is different, and I have no intention of putting him in any position, such as a husband. Except for his Rema, whom Allen liked and stayed with all his life, who would be worthy of him? I am very self-aware, even if I was born again (a bit ridiculous), an out-and-out British, and Alan are classmates, I would not necessarily appreciate him like his wife and give him the most forgiving love.
So for me, sadness is the only way to miss. I don't want to go out and can't go out. Maybe I'm a bit hypocritical and silly to say this, but this movie really gave me a hint of fantasy, and maybe my thoughts have a certain meaning.
But the pain, your pain, I cannot bear.
I can't imagine Alan being tortured by illness, I can't imagine the pain of Rema Hutton losing her husband. I heard that Rema has listed their common house for sale according to Allen's wishes. Allen is gone, but life has to go on. Will the pain be unbearable when Rima leaves that house? I don't know, but I have no doubt that she will suffer.
My feet will want to march the way you are sleeping, but i shall go living.
This is not the disappearance of love. I do still love you, love you deeply, and miss you forever. But you are no longer there.
I must do what you want, don't be sad, sell the house, change the environment, and then live well. This is your wish before your death, this is my promise to you.
In the days without you, I will live well. What else should I do? If I go with you, you will be sad, you will be sad, and you will call me too stupid.
I always feel that Allen's roles have a charm, which will make you feel that the character, hobbies, cuteness, and small defects of the movie characters all belong to Allen. This is Allen's acting skills, this kind of penetration into life and soul makes you unable to extricate yourself, and then your heart trembles with his breathing, and then you fall in love with him hopelessly. Fall in love with the character, and fall in love with Allen.
If Allen’s role is crazy, then yes, my love is also crazy.
Just like at the end of the movie, Jamie smiled and waved with tears. He sincerely hoped that Nina would be happy. I also hope that Rima can be happy, even if I miss it deeply.
If Alan is imprisoned by painful love, no one will be happy.
Therefore, I still love you, love you deeply, and miss you. But I will not suffer. Never again.
ps. The sky is completely dark outside, I hope I can see the stars when I go out soon.
This is not a qualified film review, just to express my nostalgia.
----2019·10·20 Jane Celine Rickman
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