The self-report describing the male protagonist when he was ill touched me,
I know that state.
An uncontrollable state.
My state is not that my brain is blank and unable to concentrate, but that I am constantly thinking about something.
One thing kept flashing in my mind, like balls of wool
While my thoughts flashed, I might be eating, playing games, taking classes, most likely alone.
If in the blink of an eye I suddenly see a thread in a ball of yarn, I stop everything else and get caught up in it. Then trace down or up the thread.
This seems to others to be my sudden silence.
In the process of sorting, there will be knots, the logic will diverge, and these directions will be traced at the same time, and the pros and cons will be compared repeatedly. All wrapped up in one issue, forming a new clueless ball of yarn.
This process will be repeated, and new balls of yarn will continue to appear, and gradually you will feel anxious. As for what the anxiety is, and what is in the ball of yarn, I don’t remember. I only remember the dead knots that need to be solved. That's why I can't say it, and other people find it inexplicable, because I don't know what I want to do in the end.
Every time the thread is different, the complexity is different, and the time for thinking is different. During the time of thinking, I don’t know whether I am awake or asleep, like sleepwalking.
It's not scary to me.
The most terrifying thing is that the real nightmare begins when he wakes up.
Nights are the hardest for me because the time alone is the longest, and the mood lasts a long time.
Whenever my thoughts are cut off, I feel frustrated, annoyed, and I can't solve such a problem.
So try again and again.
That's why I get insomnia.
Gradually, I felt that I was not good, whether it was a little abnormal, and I began to pay attention to other people's opinions, for fear that they would see it.
You must not let anyone know!
Do your best to imitate the cheerful person in your own experience and disguise yourself.
Then I felt that I was not myself and was hypocritical.
Then became depressed and irritable,
and then disguised himself again,
Repeat this process.
Such emotions are like sitting on a roller coaster with no end.
ups and downs, ups and downs, ups and downs...
My spirit is like a rubber band, tightening and relaxing, tightening and relaxing. I am sure that my state is not right, but I am extremely worried that others will find me on the verge of collapse.
When there are more and more balls of wool, in the end, a small thing can become the last grass that breaks the camel's back.
The ball of yarn exploded, and the mind was so distracted that it was impossible to concentrate any longer.
I'm starting to feel like there's no point in living as a person like me.
Looking at my face in the mirror makes me feel sick, like the soles of my shoes have stepped on the dirtiest thing.
Simply the most insignificant dung maggot in the world.
A voice in my ear said, Ha, even if someone like you dies, no one will remember it!
Another voice said, yes, go try it and see if anyone weeps for you maggot.
Holding the knife several times, in front of the mirror,
lift up, put down, leave
lift up, put down, leave
I have tried before
one night
I stuck down.
very deep
The blood gushed out at once, not the kind that smashed, but flowed down
Like rushing out with a heartbeat,
However, the spirit felt extremely relaxed, as if all the threads had been put down by me, the sound in my head stopped chaotically, and I wanted to let out a sigh of relief.
Looking up at myself in the mirror carefully, I felt that I was finally relieved.
I feel so relaxed
I want to widen the wound, but my hands don't follow suit
So I pulled the knife out, ready to do it again
The blood spurted out and splashed onto the mirror,
I started cleaning the mirror right away.
This movement was accompanied by a severe pain that was almost dizzy.
It was a kind of pain from the inside out, it was so painful that I shivered, I wanted to shout but I couldn't.
The snot and tears slipped down, and I couldn't see or hear anything, only the thumping heartbeat and unimaginable pain.
At last
I didn't get relief, but got more strange attention, at least I thought so, a waste who didn't even have the courage to kill himself.
I also tried to jump into the river, and that time was even worse. The turbidity of the river and the pain of lack of oxygen made me not want to reminisce.
I described my feelings in detail in order to let other people know more about depression, and I hope that if you have such a friend around you, you can understand him a little bit.
If someone is in the same situation as me, I would say,
Cutting the wrist hurts, hurts, hurts.
The feeling of choking on the first sip of water now makes me shudder thinking about it.
Do not hate yourself,
don't hate yourself,
Don't let yourself go,
Don't feel guilty,
Don't pretend to be yourself,
don't force yourself
don't care about others
Don't leave yourself alone, you can go to the study room, you can go to the library, you can turn on the TV, you can play audiobooks
acknowledge everything
Knowing that I am not perfect, and I don't need to be perfect in the future, I am who I am. I love myself
about friends
At that time, I really didn't like others to care about me. I didn't need it, and I even got angry. This time, I hated myself even more.
Why can't you be like everyone else?
Did you find my vulnerability? Find my difference?
please don't talk to me,
please don't look at me,
please have no mercy on me,
leave me alone,
Why not so far away,
Why do not you talk to me,
Why don't you look at me,
Oh, I really am a rubbish.
That's probably the way of thinking, really, contradictory and self-pitying.
If you have friends like me,
Please take him to the doctor immediately, judge the progress of the situation, and take medicine as prescribed by the doctor.
Please don't care about him deliberately,
Please be with him, but not in a room,
Please let him do things for you more, pick up things, take takeaways, take express delivery,
Please be sure of him, tell him I can wipe buddy
Please stay silently next to him when he wants to talk, don't interrupt him, listen to him talk,
Please let him try his best to ensure his basic daily routine when he is not in good condition, prepare water glasses and medicines, and do not give them to him
Please put it where he will see it, but don't put it in front of him at the time.
I hope you can be the one who pulled him out of the abyss, thank you
PS: That medicine, please don't take too much, try to rely on yourself, it feels like time has turned on the slow mode, everything is slow, including thinking. Even including mood changes, joys and sorrows are gone.
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