His life has encountered a bottleneck, and so has his art. He can no longer stick to his ideas, and he does not have enough strength to overthrow everything in the past and start over. He fell into extreme confusion, and the appearance of Tadzio made his life find a sustenance and an outlet. But for him, Tadzio is not only beauty and purity, but also the embodiment of his artistic concept and life itself.
Art can be pure and unsentimental, but no matter what, no matter who, life is useless without emotion. He enters a paradoxical, contradictory situation, because Tadzio to him is both. He has never encountered such a situation, if he chooses to love bravely, then, since tadzio is the embodiment of beauty and purity to him, falling in love means having feelings, and having feelings means denying his own art. But can he not love it? He tried to divert his attention, for example, to go to a prostitute, but this only made him more aware of the emptiness, powerlessness, and the irreplaceability of Tadzio. His heart has lost its support, and Tadzio is the new support he has found for himself, the beauty and purity that he has been unable to complete. He has to catch him.
From "you must never smile like that." to "you must never smile like that at anyone." These two sentences differ only by two words. His love, his possessiveness, and his tormented heart Exquisitely explained. In the end, he still decided to love: "I love you."
The decision is not the end of the ordeal, but the beginning of a new and more intense one. Now, he doesn't have to think about love or not, but now he needs to face the challenge of getting or not getting. Tadzio's every move, every frown and smile is so fascinated by him. He had trouble sleeping and eating, and often dreamed of Tadzio leaving the plague city and leaving him. But Tadzio doesn't belong to his world after all, no matter how he dyes his hair black and powders his face, youth is far, far away from him, and their distance is far, far away.
His art has not been able to be rejuvenated, and his inner pillars have not been re-established. Just like a car that is falling into the abyss, you can't stop it, you can only let it fall until it hits the ground and is destroyed.
He died, died of the plague in Venice, but in fact, died of the plague of the heart.
2009-4-16
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