Michael Kuster

[During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads]

Retreat Leader: I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.

[Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head]

Retreat Leader: Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!

[Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh]

Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!

[Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh]

Retreat Leader: Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.

[Richard turns to his right]

Richard: Doug, can we take our sack off?

Doug Stauber: What?

[Everyone bursts in laughter]

Richard: Did you take your sack off?

Doug Stauber: I can't really hear you.

Retreat Leader: If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!

Richard: [whispers] Fuck!

[Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else]

Retreat Leader: Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.

Richard: My concentration skills need improvement!

[Everyone bursts into laughter]

[after giving his apology speech at a community center following his incident with a gang at the supermarket, Doug meets with Richard, the board of directors and the community leaders]

First Community Leader: I think everybody is feeling pretty good about it.

Richard: Yeah.

First Community Leader: It's isolated.

Richard: Oh yeah, it's a one-time thing.

First Community Leader: What's that?

Richard: I agree, it's isolated. I think it was just some 'black apples'. We won't be seeing that happen again.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader: Black apples.

Richard: What's that?

First Community Leader: You said, 'black apples'?

[Another long pause]

Richard: I said bad ones...?

First Community Leader: The fuck you said bad.

Richard: Bad apples?

First Community Leader: You said black.

Richard: I'm sorry if there's some confusion. Maybe in the confusion, I...

Mitch: Hey, come on. It's been a long day. That was a slip.

First Community Leader: This is a lot of shit.

Richard: You are not a black apple to me. I said, that possibly, there was one black one in the batch, not you. And I didn't mean to say black. I meant 'back'... 'blatch', blah... 'blapples'.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader: Where'd you get this fucker?

[the community leaders walk away as Mitch follows them]

Mitch: Let's catch up outside. I'll hit you with some gift certificates.