Big Daddy Quotes

Julian: But after my nap I always watch the Kangaroo Song.

Sonny: It's overtime right now and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens about once every ten years so...

Julian: Kangaroo song, kangaroo song, kangaroo song, KANGAROO SONG!

Sonny: ALLLRRIIIGGGHTT! God you were normal yesterday!

[Discussing Vanessa's new senior citizen boyfriend]

Vanessa: He has a five year plan.

Sonny: What is it? "Don't die"?

Layla: So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?

Sonny: Yeah.

Layla: Is that strange for you?

Sonny: Uh, nothing changed really. They watch a different kind of porno now.

[Music playing in the background]

Layla: This is Styx.

Sonny: Yeah.

Layla: They've been my favorite band since I was, like, twelve.

Sonny: You're kidding me?

Layla: No, no, I can't help it, I just love them. My friends make fun of me all the time.

Sonny: My friends make fun of me all the time, too. I've seen them, like, twenty-five times. Tommy Shaw, when I was, like, sixteen years old, I was at the concert, he actually reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me up on stage, and I got to do the robot voice for Mr. Roboto!

Sonny: Don't worry about me making money. I'm in love with a woman who makes plenty of it. She'll be my sugar mamma.

Homeless Guy: I gotta get me one of those.

[Ordering food]

Sonny: Julian, what do you want?

Julian: Thirty packets of ketchup.

Sonny: I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is 0 and 3. I got those medical problems.

Vanessa: Medical problems? A cab runs over your foot 2 years ago, you spend one night in the hospital.

Sonny: First of all that cab was huge. And a jury decided that one night of pain was worth two hundred thousand dollars, so there ya go.

Corinne: What's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?

Sonny: Did she say we were doing laundry? Because where I come from, it's called "doing the hibbidy-dibbidy."

Sonny: Congratulations! You and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna get along just fine.

Kevin: Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.

Sonny: You're going to explain to your kids that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?

Kevin: Sonny that was five years ago! She's a doctor now, and my fiance. So from now on, Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.

[Sonny is dressed up as Scuba Sam]

Sonny: Hi, Julian! How ya doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath, the only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone. So, I was wondering if you'd keep him company in the tub.Terrific, and after your bath, you need to try and study hard because if you want to be in the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart.

Julian: I can be in the Scuba Squad?

Sonny: Well sure! All you have to do is work hard and don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad because then everybody's gonna wanna join! Oh, and one more thing! Be nice to the Delivery Guy, will ya? It's not his fault he can't read.

Sonny: Say "Happy Halloween".

Reluctant Trick-or-Treat Giver: Happy Halloween.

Sonny: Yeah, next year be prepared!

Ted Castellucci: Objection, Your Honor! The court is interested in the truth, not the opinion of the defendant's father.

Lenny: You want my opinion? My son is a moron.

Ted Castellucci: I withdraw my objection. Please proceed!

[Julian is taking a leak]

Julian: How come you're not going?

Sonny: Because I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every thirty seconds.

[Julian and the Delivery Guy are learning how to read]

Julian: Electricity! Constitution! Philadelphia!

Nazo: Fish! Pony! Hip, Hip Hop, Hip Hop anonymous? Damn you! You gave him the easy ones.

Julian: I wipe my own ass.

Nazo: Me too.

[afternoticing Julian had wet the bed]

Sonny: My God, that's a shit load of piss.

Tommy: How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax?

Nazo: I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've gained weight so that's a problem.

Tommy: I see. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian?

Nazo: Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish.

Tommy: Lamb and tuna fish?

Nazo: Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy?

Homeless Guy: Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out?

Nazo: Listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, Mister.

Homeless Guy: Let's see your clippers.

Nazo: Not my problem your father was sick.

Homeless Guy: That - well - -Stop yelling at me! AAAhhhhhhhh!

Sonny: I got some interesting news?

Lenny: Oh yeah, what?

Sonny: I kind of adopted a kid

Lenny: What the hell are you talking about?

Sonny: I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations!

Lenny: Who the hell would give you a kid?

Sonny: Social Services.

Lenny: You idiot! You better give that kid back!

Sonny: His mother's... hang on, hang on.

Sonny: [shouts at Julian, from afar] Go play with them pigeons, buddy!

Sonny: I tried to give him back. I just, I just, I just can't, Dad. I need your help. I'm in a bad way right now, Vanessa dumped me, I don't know what the hell I'm doing!

Lenny: You're damn right you don't know what the hell you're doing!

Sonny: The kid is always around, especially for the last few days. You think he'd give me a little privacy but he just never leaves me alone, I'm in deep shit.

Lenny: Just give that kid back right now, before you ruin BOTH YOUR LIVES!

Sonny: Oh, I appreciate that Dad.

Lenny: He'd be better off living in a dumpster then living with you!

Sonny: WELL I'LL BE A BETTER FATHER THEN YOU!

Lenny: That's impossible, all you ever care about is yourself.

Sonny: I care about you saving money on this phone call.

[banging phone receiver several times before hanging up]

[discussing Julian's doll Scuba Steve]

Nazo: I had doll like that once. But my cat, he bite his head off!

Julian: What kind of cat would do that?

Nazo: You calling me a liar?

[at McDonald's]

Sonny: Okay, what do you want?

Julian: Cheerios.

Sonny: Cheerios? They don't got Cheerios. What else?

Julian: Lasagna.

Sonny: Lasagna? What the hell is the matter with you? Um, we'll take hot cakes and sausage...

Employee: Sorry, sir, we stopped serving breakfast.

Sonny: What are you talking about? We're FOUR seconds late.

Employee: No, you're 30 minutes and four seconds late. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30.

Sonny: Aw, HORSESHIT!

Julian: [after jumping around frantically to the Kangaroo song, Julian suddenly stops]

Sonny: Aww, what's wrong, are you all hopped out?

Julian: [Julian suddenly throws up all the junk food he has been eating all over the floor]

Sonny: What do you eat?

Julian: Food.

Sonny: Oh yea? Well I eat food too.

Mr. Herlihy: Goddamn Jets!

Waitress: Hey, cutie! What are you doing here?

Julian: Watching football.

Waitress: Oh yea, who do you want to win?

Julian: The Goddamn Jets.

Sonny: Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?

Jeff: I have a belly button.

Sonny: You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.

Jared: What's rum?

Sonny: You don't know what Rum is?

Jared: Rumplestilskin?

Sonny: Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

Sonny: Where's Kevin?

Corinne: Oh, he already left. He forgot to say goodbye to you.

Sonny: Then why are you here?

Corinne: I'm cleaning because you're useless.

Sonny: Then are you going to go to your Hooters reunion? And talk about who's ass sticks out the most while wearing your shorts?

Corinne: At least I can fit my ass in to my shorts, fatty.

Sonny: [Taking out leftover food from fridge] Speaking of fatty, whose is this?

Corinne: I don't know.

Sonny: I'm eating it then.

[Sonny is on the stand at the custody hearing for Julian]

Tommy: [stands up] Objection!

Lenny: Shut up, Tommy!

Tommy: [sits down] Sorry, Mr. Koufax.

Sonny: [Julian is bouncing up and down in front of the TV on a rubber ball] Hey.

Julian: Hey!

Sonny: You like hockey?

Julian: You like hockey?

Sonny: This is a big, important game.

Julian: This is a big, important game!

Sonny: Cut the crap.

Julian: Cut the crap!

Sonny: I'm being serious, don't do that.

Julian: I'm being serious, don't do that!

Sonny: [quickly] How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Julian: [stops bouncing]

Sonny: That's what I thought. Shut up.

[Julian resumes bouncing in front of the TV]

Customer: [while Jullian is crying] Nice parenting.

Sonny: Hey, thanks! Who are you? My therapist?

[tosses the guy's fries over his shoulder]

Sonny: Take a walk!

Sonny: Everyone's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes.

Mr. Herlihy: Like I'm not busy?

Sonny: Hey Mr. Herlihy, how bout you shut up before i smack you through the wall like last week?

Mr. Herlihy: Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on woman. Oh... hah... hahahahahahaha

Sonny: He drinks alot of soda.

Mr. Herlihy: Koufax is a good egg, he was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here Miss, what are you gonna do about it? Hahaha.

Sonny: What are you drunk Mr. Herlihy?

Mr. Herlihy: Well, I-I had a few chardonnays, what of it?

Sonny: Get off the stand please.

Mr. Herlihy: You got it. Got a few problems.

Sonny: I'm thinkin' about keepin' the kid.

Phil D'Amato: Sonny, remember that time you went with me to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute little puppy and you wanted to get it, but then I reminded you about feeding it and cleaning it and toilet-training it?

Sonny: Yeah...

Phil D'Amato: Well, this is kinda like that - except with a human!

[Phil is cross-examining Corrine]

Phil D'Amato: And how long have you disliked Mr. Koufax?

Corinne: Since the day I met him

Phil D'Amato: And for the record, where did you work while attending medical school?

Corinne: Hooters

Phil D'Amato: No further questions?

Corinne: No!

Corinne: [under her breath] ... asshole!

Sonny: He's the smelly kid in class!, I let him become the smelly kid in class!, What the hell's the matter with me?

Ms. Foote: Oh yes, I've had some smelly ones before, but your son is by far the smelliest.

Julian: [after finding out he has to be taken from Sonny by the social services] You don't want me here anymore?

Sonny: [close to tears] No, that's not it, pal. You just have to go away for awhile.

Julian: How long am I going away for?

Sonny: [trying not to cry] I don't want to lie to you. I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore. I screwed up, I'm so sorry. Come here, put your coat on. This is not your fault, okay? I'm the idiot

Julian: I don't wanna go!

Sonny: I know you don't, but you have to. You'll be okay, alright?

Julian: [clings to Sonny] Please don't make me go. I won't play the Kangaroo Song anymore.

Sonny: I know buddy, that's not it.

Julian: [as the social worker is dragging him out of the apartment] Please, I promise! I'm sorry, I don't even like that song anymore! And I wipe my own ass! I wipe my own ass!

Sonny: I know!

Sonny: Get cleaned up and we'll go to Barney's.

Julian: Barney?

Sonny: Not that Barney, a different Barney. A much more expensive Barney.

Nazo: [at Sonny's door] I had call for delivery in building, but I think it was crank call.

[holds up a bag]

Nazo: Want some chocolate cake?

Sonny: Hey man, who won the Knick game?

Angry Guy: Who cares?

Sonny: Don't worry. He can't hold you down forever.

Angry Guy: What are you talking about?

Sonny: You know what I'm talking about.

Angry Guy: You're a loser.

Sonny: You're mad at your dad, not me. I forgive you.

Angry Guy: [walking away crying] I am. I hate my father.

Mike: I am still weirded out seeing them kiss.

Sonny: Why? They're gay. That's what gay guys do.

Mike: Yeah, but they were like brothers to us in school.

Sonny: They're still our brothers. Our very gay brothers.

[Sonny has left his apartment leaving Nazo in charge of Julian]

Julian: [jumping on the couch signing along to the kangaroo song] Would you like to come and play? We'll hop, hop, hop, hop...

Julian: [hits Nazo on the head with a paperback book] ... WHAT DO YOU SAY?

[the doorbell rings]

Nazo: Get the door!

[Julian leaves to answer the door]

[about the Kangaroo song]

Sonny: [to Julian] I can't take this shit. Are you serious?

[Julian continues jumping to the Kangaroo song]

Sonny: [under his breath; about the character in the song] Douchebag kangaroo.

Corinne: [Starts to whine and cry] We wasted the good surprise on YOU!

[Runs to bathroom and sobs]

Nazo: [to Arthur Brooks] Hey, I remember you. You always order three piece of cheesecake!

[Arthur Brooks looks embarrassed]

Nazo: What are your cards?

Julian: I got a 6, a 5, a Jack, a 4 and a 8. I win!

Sonny: What do you mean "you win"? I had a hand just like that before, I didn't win?

Julian: Because I win.

Nazo: This is bullshit!

Sonny: Alright, take it easy man.

Nazo: Every time different cards, he still wins?

Sonny: [carrying a crying Julian out of McDonald's] Total mind blower. Will you just relax? Here.

[sets him down]

Sonny: What do you want me to do? What will cheer you up?

Julian: [crying]

Sonny: You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight. You'll like her.

Julian: [continues crying]

Sonny: You wanna see me get hurt? That'll cheer you up?

Julian: [nodding]

Sonny: All right.

[runs in front of a car and hits the hood, the horn blaring. He hits the ground]

Julian: [stops crying, wiping away his tears and begins to giggle]

Sonny: You think that's funny? Good. No more crying.

Car Driver: [Gets out of vehicle] Are you okay?

Sonny: Next time, kill me.

Arthur Brooks: Good day, Mr. Koufax!

Sonny: Mr. Brooks, how you doing? I was gonna give you a buzz.

[realizing he was addressed by his name]

Sonny: You just called me Mr. Koufax, didn't you?

Arthur Brooks: That is your real name?, Sonny Koufax?

Sonny: The real Kevin Garrity called me and he told me to take care...

Arthur Brooks: Save it, Mr. Koufax. Now either Julian comes with me, or you'll be placed under arrest.

Sonny: Okay, let's see your handcuffs.

Arthur Brooks: Well, I don't have any. But there are two policemen downstairs who do.