The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer Quotes

Susan: You're going to make me an old maid.

Margaret: Only until you're 18.

Matt Beemish: I'm the court psychiatrist.

Richard Nugent: Come back in an hour. I'll be crazy by then.

Richard Nugent: Hey, you remind me of a man.

Susan Turner: What man?

Richard Nugent: Man with the power.

Susan Turner: What power?

Richard Nugent: Power of hoodoo.

Susan Turner: Hoodoo?

Richard Nugent: You do.

Susan Turner: Do what?

Richard Nugent: Remind me of a man...

Richard (Dick) Nugent: How'd you get in here?

Matt Beemish: Well, the door was closed, so I opened it and came right in.

Matt Beemish: But I've got a plan.

Richard Nugent: I've had enough of your plans and your whole family.

Richard Nugent: Thank you, Your Honor, may I go?

Judge Margaret Turner: You've just got here, don't you like our court?

Susan: Well, my attitude is that one female judge in the family is enough.

Richard Nugent: Did you say that your name was Turner?

Susan: That's right! My sister is Judge Margaret Turner.

Richard Nugent: Nice to have met the family, bye.

Matt Beemish: As Menninger clearly points out, traumatic events...

Richard Nugent: [interrupting] The only traumatic event she needs is a good smack in the jaw!

Matt Beemish: She's my niece... but you're absolutely right.

Richard Nugent: [Jerry is sitting in his car in front of the Turner house] Jerry, what are you doing out here? Why don't you go inside?

Jerry White: I'm not welcome. I'm a square in Susan's social circle.

Richard Nugent: Nonsense, I'm sure Susan doesn't know you're out here.

Jerry White: She put me here.

Richard Nugent: Oh.

Joey: [Susan arrives at their table in a rage] Is this your daughter, Judge?

Richard Nugent: [shocked that he'd insinuate Margaret is old enough to have a teenage daughter] It's her sister!

Joey: Funny, you look enough alike to be mother and daughter!

Margaret: [annoyed] Sisters look alike too.

Agnes Prescott: I hate my sister.

Waiter at Tick Tock Club: [to Nugent after he has been yelled at, insulted, slapped, had champagne tossed in his face and been stuck with the check] Can I get you anything else, sir?

Richard Nugent: For instance?

Susan: Have you ever married?

Richard Nugent: No.

Susan: Have you ever been in love?

Richard Nugent: Yes I have. Tell me what kind of paper does this school run?

Susan: Oh, all the students read it.

Richard Nugent: I'll bet they do.

Susan: Did you have many ordeals before you became a success?

Richard Nugent: No, I...

Susan: You can talk to me. I want you to think of me, not as a newspaper woman, but as a friend.

Richard Nugent: Well, in that case, I'll tell you. I did suffer. When I was 10, my mother and father had a double suicide pact, they made it. I was sent to an orphanage. Some days they didn't beat me. Then one night I escaped, I ran away to New York. I used to steal.

Susan: What did you steal?

Richard Nugent: Beg your pardon?

Susan: What did you steal?

Richard Nugent: Crusts of bread... and things. One time I stole a valise. There were paints and paintbrushes inside. So I began to paint. Then they got me. I was sent to a reform school, but I escaped again.

Susan: Go on.

Richard Nugent: Back to new York. A weathly society lady saw my work, fell in love with me and sent me to art school. The rest is history.

Susan: How wonderful. How terribly wonderful.

Richard Nugent: Could we do this some other time? I've got a date.

Susan: Then you're not married?

Richard Nugent: No.

Susan: I knew you weren't. You just couldn't be.

Richard Nugent: Oh I've had some offers.

Susan: Have you ever thought of me as a model?

Margaret: I can't honestly say that I have. Why?

Susan: Dickie wants me to pose for him.

Margaret: Oh, isn't that nice... DICKIE?

Judge Margaret Turner: If you're interested in a more exact science, you might spend some time on geometry.

Susan Turner: I don't consider geometry a part of life.

Judge Margaret Turner: Mr. Roberts does. He says you're the first student to define a triangle as two women crazy about one man.

Judge Margaret Turner: [on the bench] It's important that I consider only the evidence presented in this matter.

Prosecuting attorney: Very well, your honor.

Judge Margaret Turner: Don't sulk about it.

Susan Turner: Well, you don't have to make such a big thing about it Jerry. After all, the war is over.

Jerry White: I know, but guns go off by accident sometimes, or a fellow could trip on a bayonet.

Susan Turner: He's handsome.

Jerry White: I suppose so, for an older man.

Susan Turner: Do you know what you are? You're a regular Blackbeard.

Judge Margaret Turner: Bluebeard, dear.

Susan Turner: Well, a rose by any color.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Now, everybody's too excited.

Tommy: Nobody's excited.

Susan Turner: Why not send me to prison and get me out of the way?

Judge Margaret Turner: Susan!

Susan Turner: I'm old enough to fight for my own happiness. Anyway, I saw him first.

Matt Beemish: A girl her age is entitled to growing pains, isn't she?

Judge Margaret Turner: Yes, but Susan's growing pains are rapidly becoming a major disease.

Minor Role: [Desk boy in Dick Nugent's apartment building] I'm 15.

Susan Turner: I'm 17.

Minor Role: That's okay, I like older women.

Judge Margaret Turner: Mr. Nugent, I have good news.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: You're going to hang me.

Judge Margaret Turner: I'm afraid I'm the one who ought to be hanged.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Won't I sit down?

Judge Margaret Turner: Please do.

Judge Margaret Turner: Please don't have any illusions about this matter. I'm doing this against my better judgment. I would just as soon my sister we're going out with an actor.

Matt Beemish: Judge Turner doesn't exactly mean that.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Oh, I was just wondering.

Matt Beemish: She means, as head of a psychiatric clinic, that I've recommended you as a vital therapy measure.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Hmmm. That's great. Recommended for children.

Judge Margaret Turner: Thank you. You said that graciously. Perhaps the result of practice?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: You said that ungraciously. Perhaps the result of practice?

Judge Margaret Turner: I had that coming.

Judge Margaret Turner: It's nothing. I'm sure you didn't know she'd be here.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Are you sure you're sure I didn't know she'd be here?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: You know, my father was a bachelor.

Judge Margaret Turner: Really?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: [chuckles] Wait till I finish.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Behind every defeated man there's a frustrated love.

Susan Turner: You're right. And I promise, all my life, never to hurt you.

Judge Margaret Turner: May I have your name, please?

Anthony Herman: Uh,

[clears his throat]

Anthony Herman: Anthony Herman. I work at the

[clears his throat]

Anthony Herman: Vampire Club.

Judge Margaret Turner: In what capacity?

Anthony Herman: To maintain law and order. I throw people out that cause a disturbance in any shape or form.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: I'm doing a series of paintings on Americana, and I'm including a nightclub scene.

Judge Margaret Turner: Creating a nightclub scene would seem more appropriate.

Jerry White: Is it okay for Saturday night, Susie? You promised.

Susan Turner: Promises are the hollow shells of undone deeds.

Susan Turner: Well, for gosh sakes, what's that supposed to mean?

Jerry White: You're a nice boy, Jerry, but you're callow.

Jerry White: Not too callow to buy you sodas or take you to a movie when your allowances runs out.

Chester Walters: [In Dick's jail cell] Tell me exactly what happened.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Hmph. If I knew exactly what happened, I wouldn't be here.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Where were you when they finally let me use the telephone around here last night? Where were you?

Chester Walters: I had not anticipated your winding up in jail. I have a life of my own, you know.

Chester Walters: You're charged with hitting the district attorney.

[sic]

Chester Walters: Did you or did you not hit him?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: I hit him. That's right. But at the time I hit him, I did not know he was the ASSISTANT district attorney. If I had known he was the ASSISTANT district attorney... I would have hit him.

Matt Beemish: Is this cell comfortable?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: I don't quite know. I haven't anything to compare it with. This is my first time.

Matt Beemish: Oh, oh. Well, on the whole I think you'll find our Western penology system is quite modern.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Well, that's a load off my mind.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Tell me, what can they do to me if I kill a judge?

Matt Beemish: Hmm. I understand how you feel.

Matt Beemish: Now, you just leave things in my hands, Mr. Nugent. And I dare say you'll be surprised at the results.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Dare say.

Matt Beemish: I have a plan.

Judge Margaret Turner: Susan!

Susan Turner: I do not intend to create a scene.

Judge Margaret Turner: What are you doing here?

Susan Turner: You both oughtta be ashamed of yourselves.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Another chair, Alex.

Susan Turner: I'm too young to be deceived by such treachery.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: What will you have to drink?

Susan Turner: Lemonade.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Sit down.

Susan Turner: I don't intend to stay. And some chocolate ice cream

[to the waiter]

Susan Turner: I suppose you wonder how I found out where you were.

Judge Margaret Turner: What's going on in your mind?

Susan Turner: You know perfectly well what's going on. You told me that Dickie was sick - exhausted from the picnic. So, after you left, I went to Dickie's apartment and they told me where he was. And her I am, and here you are. I demand an explanation from both of you.

Judge Margaret Turner: It's getting to be quite a party.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Ah, ah, all is not gold that glitters

Tommy: Good evening.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Sit down. You're just in time for a piece of cake.

Tommy: Thank you, I will. I suppose you're wondering how I got here. I went to your house and found that you... .

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Let me tell it - you went to Margaret's house. You found she'd gone. You were suspicious she had gone out with me. So you went to my apartment.

Tommy: You'd make a good detective, Nugent.

Joey: Who is this guy? I don't like him

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Nor do I.

Tommy: My name is Chamberlain...

Judge Margaret Turner: I've had enough of this, and I've had enough of you. Everywhere you go, you attract trouble.

Richard (Dick) Nugent: There you go, jumping again.

Judge Margaret Turner: Shut up. Thank you for a lovely evening.

[she storms off]

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Thank you! Thank you!

Matt Beemish: Where are you going?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: Africa.

Matt Beemish: Pretty far away, isn't it?

Richard (Dick) Nugent: All depends upon where you are. If you're in Arabia, which is where I'm going to be before I go to Africa, you're pretty close. Now would you mind getting out of here?

Matt Beemish: But I've got a plan

Richard (Dick) Nugent: I've had enough of your plans. And your whole family. I was a carefree fellow before I met up with all of you. I've been in nothing but trouble ever since. I'm gonna be a carefree fellow again. Now buzz off.

Matt Beemish: I'm observing a patient of mine - I might need your help.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Who is he?

Matt Beemish: Uh, that blonde fellow with the brown suit, the brown hat.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Oh, yeah.

Matt Beemish: He's really quite harmless, but he might create a scene.

Tom - Cop at Airport: What seems to be his trouble?

Matt Beemish: He thinks that he's an assistant district attorney. He likes to go around arresting people.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Oh. Poor guy. You'd think he'd at least wanna be a desk sergeant, wouldn't you?

Tommy: Officer, I want you to arrest someone.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Now, you don't wanna go around arresting nice people.

Tommy: What?

Tom - Cop at Airport: Why don't you be a good boy and go on home?

Tommy: Do you know who you're talking to? I'm the assistant district attorney.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Sure you are.

Tommy: Tell him who I am.

Matt Beemish: Yes, he is the assistant district attorney.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Well, now, ain't that nice.

Tommy: You stupid blockhead, I'll do it myself.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Wait a moment, you don't wanna bother anybody.

Cop at Airport: Having trouble, Tom?

Tommy: I'm the assistant district attorney.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Sure he is. Now just take it easy. Relax. We'll make you district attorney. Then you'll be in charge of all the little assistant district attorneys.

Tommy: I'll report you to the police commissioners. Beemish, get their numbers.

Matt Beemish: Yeah. I'll get a pencil - be right back.

Tom - Cop at Airport: Come on buddy.

[the two officers carry him away]