Photographed at Chengdu Wenshu Monastery on March 28, 2016
On the afternoon of April 12th, when I opened Moments to commemorate Wang Xiaobo's article, I sent the photo on the cover to Uncle Cao. The photo was taken when I went to Wenshu Monastery on March 28.
At that time, I was about to come out of Wenshu Monastery, and turned around to see the man, who was burning incense and worshiping the Buddha statue in the main hall. Probably because of curiosity, I stopped and stood under the eaves at the entrance of Wenshu Monastery, quietly watching that man spent ten minutes finishing the long worship service.
Maybe it’s because I'm stuck in a daze and at a loss for life. I don't know why. In that quiet and pious figure from behind, I vaguely felt the anxiety, confusion and fear in his heart. A kind of doubt about current life and oneself.
This strong feeling made me escape there quickly.
I remember when I was 20 years old, as Wang Xiaobo wrote in "Golden Age", I felt that I would go on forever, and nothing would beat me. For the five years since I was 20 years old, I spent every day in anxiety and panic. I tried everything to resist the mediocrity and flatness of life. I was afraid that one day I would bow my ears and bow to life.
Maybe in those five years, it seems to you that most of the time I was calm, confident and logical, but the fact is that I did not have a little confidence in the process of speech and behavior, for fear of being dismantled by others and then embarrassed. Exposed himself in front of you.
In a blink of an eye 27. In the next two years, in order to get rid of anxiety and external fear, I took the initiative to reach out to life, try to reconcile with it, and reconcile with myself. I thought everything was about to start on the right track, and I wanted to greet the whole life frankly.
But the state of Wenshu Monastery made me realize that my heart is still like a child who is easily frightened. I am afraid that I will be impoverished, lonely and old, afraid of sagging flesh and wrinkles, afraid that after death, there is no trace of my life in this world. I am afraid that everyone else is better and more powerful than myself, and I am afraid that I will be attacked again in a dazed state and beat me down.
In this state, I continued to compete with me until I watched "My Funeral" intermittently two days ago. The old man Mr. Bush had sharp eyes and acted boldly. He appeared fearlessly in the small town pointed out by everyone. With a stick, the young guy who was not knowing how to beat his horse with stones can bend down, and then Leave handsomely.
Do you think he is fearless? But what he was afraid of was that the rumors from the four towns about him would circulate forever after his death. He was also afraid that he would be alone and unaccompanied after his death, so he would also put the tombstone of his only friend, Pastor Charlie, early. It's done, standing next to the tombstone he chose for himself; he is also afraid that others will know that he likes a married man and because he let the other party die in a hammer and a fire, don't let anyone approach him The cage built up.
However, one day, he finally picked up his gun, held a vigorous funeral that he could see, and proved his kindness and affection to the crowd of people present, as well as his passionate life. , Even if it's an annoying, weird old man now.
Don't think that only the old man and I are full of fear for life.
Also, how many people dare not speak out their true inner thoughts, afraid of being misunderstood; how many people dare not express their true feelings, afraid of being rejected; how many people are glamorous outside, but in fact they can only use steamed buns every day To satisfy your hunger is to get more respect and recognition from others; how many people want to behave like others, even if others are vulgar and rude, just because they are afraid of being excluded from the circle; how many people desperately do what they hate Work, just to not be expelled from the company to cope with three meals a day, mortgages, car loans; how many people, in order to avoid filling the emptiness of life, use alcohol and poison to numb themselves.
It is such a small fear that weighs down on each of us, making us mediocre people difficult and cautious. Don't be ashamed, struggling and being cautious is the daily routine of most of us.
Wang Xiaobo allows us to learn the greatest resistance to life that we can exert as human beings. But those were Wang Xiaobo who were desperate when they were young, and that was the young and energetic Wang Xiaobo who walked in the silence and in the sky.
You see, after thirty, Wang Xiaobo will sigh helplessly, watching himself and the people around him grow old day by day, wishing to disappear day by day, and finally become like an ox waiting for a gelding, living in suffering. in life. In the face of all this, maybe what we can do is to pick up our guns, pick up our pacemakers, and put on our hats like the old man Bush did, and fight against the innocence brought about by life in the commonplace. Absurdity and fear, endure grief and hardship, and live stubbornly in this world.
It’s Marquez’s memorial day soon, and let’s end it with his words: only Manuela knows that his carelessness is not because of his ignorance and indiscretion, nor because he is a fatalist, but because he sadly believes. In the future, he will definitely die in his own bed in distress and nakedness, and he won't get the people's forgiveness.
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