If you feel that marriage is like a quagmire, it is very laborious to operate, still ineffective, or even desperate, I suggest you watch this old movie - "Fireman". It is an old American movie from 2008. A long time ago, the stories told are very representative, and the stories are still happening. There's nothing new under the sun, right?
Firefighters, a highly respected profession in the United States, Carre, is such a good firefighter captain. He can handle the conflicts between the rescue team members very well, and he is the captain who is convinced by everyone; he can make the rescue objects trust him, he is brave and fearless, and effectively organizes the team members to rescue together. But he also has an annoying question: "Why am I respected everywhere, except my own?"
There was a fight in the kitchen in the morning for not having enough breakfast, and another fight in the evening for blowing out the wife's candle and not having enough dinner. "Why do you make it so difficult for me?"
"I made it difficult for you? The burden is all on me, and you just do your thing."
"What did you say? I work to make money to pay the mortgage. I also bought the car for both of us."
"Yes, you only do so much. The bills are paid with my salary."
"You agreed, that's fair."
"Kalei, who is taking care of this family? It's me... The pressure is on me. What you do for others is for yourself."
"I tell you, you don't understand what pressure is at all. ... You don't understand my hard work at all"
"Yes, but when you are at home, you only waste time watching TV and surfing the Internet." …
"I've had enough of you. You disrespectful, ungrateful, selfish woman. You keep making trouble with me and draining my life. If you can't give me the respect I deserve, look at me, then What do you want this marriage to do!"
The daily life of chicken feathers in one place. This is also my past. Maybe there are still many people there.
Teammate Mike, who also went through this detour, once replied to Carre: "I am a past person, and it is very hard. ... I found that my marriage was not broken, but I didn't know how to maintain it at all."
Everyone is an independent individual, so it is a 360-degree individual with no dead ends, but generally our focus is not necessarily comprehensive, especially in terms of life that no one has taught. We will focus more on the places where we spend a lot of time and have a sense of accomplishment, which usually comes from our social attributes such as work and status. And forget the other part of us. This forgotten part is more placed in the home, the place where you spend time with your loved ones, which is also the so-called private and living place. They often mistakenly regard external contributions as paying for the whole family and everyone's life, making the account of work and life into a confused account.
Marriage does need to be managed, but it is not purely managed as a matter. If it is only managed, it will soon encounter various difficulties and cannot move forward, which is easy to make people desperate. It's like what happened to the protagonist Carre in the movie.
Seeing the path that his parents had taken before, the relationship has changed a lot now, and out of trust in his father, Carre accepted his father's advice and began to change his behavior. I deleted the web pages I used to browse, bought flowers for my wife, called my wife at work to say I missed it, etc. I did one thing every day, and it became difficult on the fourth day. I persisted until the 20th day, and I felt that I could not persist. down.
It's not so much that I don't know how to maintain a marriage, it's better that I don't know how to know myself.
Carley's previous self-knowledge: "I'm not perfect, but I'm better than most. If my marriage is over, it's not entirely my fault."
Many people will say this: "I can't say how good I am, at least I'm not a bad person, it's okay." In fact, I feel that I am pretty good, at least better than many, many people, and I can't say it directly, so " Humble," he said.
But when Carley used this understanding to "manage" his marriage and follow the plan of love, he found it difficult. The wife doesn't accept it at all. Take a look at how the couple knew each other:
At the same time, the wife's thoughts were: "Don't think I'll believe you in this good suit. Do you know why your sweet little tricks don't work for me? Because you've become that kind of person."
Carley was very aggrieved and angry, so his response was: "It's useless. This challenge of love is useless at all."
"Yeah, it's the most difficult thing in the middle, because we have to see if our heart is in it. When we encounter difficulties, we have to examine our own motives."
"Why do I need redemption, am I going to hell?"
"Because you violated his standards."
"Dad, I'm a saver, I'm a good person."
It's all people's usual thoughts, and it's also my previous thoughts. If you are deeply immersed in this realization, you will not be able to recognize your true self. We all think we are good and have given a lot. And this is its own standard. The development of events and the truth will let us know that our standards will cause ourselves to suffer and unsolvable problems. God's standards are so high that he sees hatred as murder. If we can’t keep improving our own standards, we will eventually be told by reality that the result is wrong, and it is time to check our own standards.
In fact, in the end, it is not to solve the problem of marriage, not to let the other party see what you have paid, but to "do what you have to do and ask for yourself." In the end, this is not a matter of yourself and your wife, not that there is a problem with your marriage, It's the people who have the problem. This is a matter of myself and God, because I have not recognized myself, I have not understood the standards of God, and I have not recognized that what I am doing does not conform to higher standards.
When Carre reflects on his faults and begins to be truly humble, what he does has practical significance, that is, to make his behavior and heart conform to higher standards, not his own standards, and sincerely go to Do.
Like when Carley asked Mark how to get off to a good start with his wife, Mark told him, "Everyone can see if you're doing it with your heart. …don't just follow your heart, your heart will deceive You. You lead your heart."
Do you lead your own heart? Or just follow your heart?
Follow your heart is a very popular, literary, expressive and ambiguous sentence. If you can't understand it positively, it will become poison and poison your mind.
What kind of heart do you follow? Is it a fickle heart full of emotional feelings? Or a steadfast heart that conforms to God's standards?
Is it a short-sighted, confused mind that is obsessed with paying and getting results? Or understand that this is a clear heart that knows oneself, reinvents oneself, and has nothing to do with others and outcomes?
The Buddha said: "Be careful not to believe in your will, you cannot be trusted." He reminded his disciples not to believe in their own consciousness casually before attaining the Four Arhats.
This does not mean that what we think and think is wrong, but reminds us that there are still many impurities in our heart and consciousness, which are easily taken away by emotions, desires, and selfishness, and should not be trusted. That's why Jesus, Buddha, Confucius, etc. are needed to tell the world what the standard is. We need to believe in saints and gods to subdue our hearts with many impurities, and walk toward that example, so that we can lead our hearts.
When I went through this journey myself, I personally realized that only when I truly realize that I have made mistakes, or can make more progress and are willing to correct, can I talk about marriage management and put myself into management. Rather than relying on their own ability to manage the marriage. Management depends on the mind and heart, not the ability. My husband and I used to complain about cleaning, whether there was a caring and thoughtful word, an expression, a snub, etc. He wants me to change and I want him to change. In fact, no one can change anyone.
Thinking that the other party can change and live well, this kind of thinking is, to be honest, a bit arrogant. The love of others does not want to be a weapon for us to demand of each other. If you always use this as a weapon, maybe you don't realize, "If you don't do what I want, you don't love me anymore." This kind of thinking itself uses love as a weapon, don't forget, this is a good thing The weapon is given by the other party, and the other party can withdraw it at any time. Love is what makes us grow and learn to take more responsibility.
When we believe in such a higher standard, surrender to such a standard, and let go of our self-awareness, what changes is our whole heart, our whole person, not only our life, but also our work.
Mike, a firefighter who devoutly believes in God, broke his own record by saving the injured girl from the train that was about to gallop in an instant. He almost died but was still alive.
The teammate asked him: Are you not afraid of death?
As Mark changed his clothes, he replied, "Not afraid. Because I know where I'm going when I die. I just don't want to be hit by a train."
Maybe a lot of people don't accept his beliefs, like many of his teammates, but Carley and the rest of the team know that he's a tough guy.
Many things happen for very specific reasons. If you only focus on specific problems, you may be able to solve the problem, but you will never be able to go beyond the problem. Some unsolvable problems need to be surpassed. When you recognize yourself from it, repent and correct it, you will find that things are not what you originally recognized, and there may be a new turning point, the problem may be solved naturally, or it may no longer exist.
As the Bible says: "What we know is limited now, and what the prophets say is limited. When the perfect comes, this limited will be gone. When I was a child, I spoke like a child and thought like a child. , think like a child, and when he becomes a man, he throws away the things of the child.”
I have seen a sentence: "Humans are really sad. They always hope that the pay and the return are proportional. Especially in love, if you don't get the same love as your own from the other party, people will become uneasy. "The "true meaning of love" in the Bible tells us that it is not love. Let go of this requirement, and happiness can follow.
Just like in the play, Kare believes more and more in the standards of God, demands more and more strictly on himself, understands himself more and more clearly, and pays himself more and more purely.
Finally, his wife, came back. Meanwhile, Carre reconciles with her mother, who doesn't want to listen to her nagging.
Carre was lucky that his father led him. It is difficult to move forward alone, and it also requires guidance and companionship. If you are willing to seek and change, the person who can lead you will eventually be found.
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